So I've just been idly toying with the idea of doing the "Which fictional characters would you shag" meme, because fictional crushes are what my online life is all about, but then: First, I don't know most of the characters on the list and can't be arsed to html-strike them all. And second, when I started to actually consider the characters that I would shag; I realised that I... wouldn't. Not unless I were a Mary Sue.
Clearly, I've given it too much thought, but I am thorough like that: Captain Jack Sparrow? Pretty, yes, and wicked, and it's Johnny Depp and all. But he suffers from the Lord of the Rings syndrome of being Unwashed. (In LotR fics I couldn't get past the fact that they have been wandering around in their armour for months and months without washing. How can Aragorn/Boromir slash even work? They are filthy! Would you want to have anything to do with a penis that hasn't seen any water and soap in ages?)
So no, unless I were a Mary Sue and Captain Jack Sparrow a Mary-Sue fic protagonist ("His hair is not greasy, it's silky!"), I would not touch him with a ten-foot pole. I've been sat next to the Unwashed on the bus, thankyouverymuch.
Then there are the ever-popular vampires. I still fail to see the appeal of vampires. Call me a speciest, but they're dead
. Okay, so I find Blood Ties
' Henry Fitzroy and Being Human
's Mitchell delightfully charming indeed, but they are dead. Henry would not fall asleep after sex. He would, for all intents and purposes, die. Okay, so he'd revive 12 hours later, but I don't see myself coping all that well with a man who falls dead when the night is over. Mitchell might not die, but he'd kill me and drink my blood. Oh, he'd feel bad about it afterwards, I'm sure, but a man who first hurts you and then feels bad about it - is that the way to go? I'm not quite so much into disfunctional relationships. Also, he's got cold skin, no pulse and no heartbeat. Would he sweat? Would he come? (As in: is there sperm?) If not, count me out. (Clearly too much thought. But, y'know, thorough.) Is that issue ever addressed in vampire porn fics?
Remus Lupin. Ah, Remus. I did love him madly. But again, the different species thing is a bit of a problem. I happily give him a fabulous sex life with other HP and non-HP characters, but, unless I develop Mary-Sue-sque qualities, I'd rather stay away from shagging a man who turns into a wolf every few weeks. Same applies to Sirius Black. It'd freak me out to know that he might turn into a dog any moment. Of course, there's always the option that they would lie to me by omission and never share their furry little secrets with me. Yes, that would actually work...
The Doctor (Ten, obvsly)? Delightful, but immortal and has two hearts. I couldn't cope with a second hearbeat just as I couldn't cope with the lack of a heartbeat. Plus, a bit of a wanker.
Okay, so the immortals are out. I can't even cope all that well with a man whose thighs are thinner than mine - how should I be able to cope with one who will maintain his physical perfection forever and ever, taunting me with it mercilessly?
Mr. Darcy. Presumably, he'd expect me to be a virgin or a whore. I can do neither. Disappointment on both sides is inevitable.
Then the list includes a wide array of yer olde "brilliant, yet socially and romantically inept" guys. Gregory House? Run away! Jonathan Creek? His neuroses would kill me dead even quicker than Mitchell would. Psychopaths like Patrick Batemen and the Joker are out, because I actually quite like to live.
In conclusion: The only fictional character I would actually have sex with if I were me and he were himself and no Mary-Sueing occured on either side is Northanger Abbey
's Henry Tilney, who isn't even on the list.( This is the list, BTW )