Dear fanfic writers,

Do you ever stumble across a piece of writing in your draft folder that you had completely forgotten and that amuses you when you discover it after all those years? I saw the other day that, back in 2006, I had written a Slobodan Milosevic*/Harry Potter crossover:

"Whatever happened to Slobodan Milosevic? Mystery crack

Milosevic is dead and on his way to larger-than-life martyrdom. There's nothing like being a criminal - alleged or convicted - and dying under mysterious circumstances to become a martyr. Rumour will have it that he's been poisoned by corrupt Dutch authorities. According to my latest information (radio, half an hour ago), his death was caused by anti-leprosy and anti-tuberculosis drugs which counteracted the effects of his heart medication. However, considering all facts, I can't help but see some parallels and notice some evidence that points firmly into a different direction. South-Eastern Europe? Connection to Kosovo-Albanians? A mother's untimely death? High-security prison? Where have I read all this before?

Let's have a look at this letter exchange:

July 1995

Dear Master-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

Contrary to all the rumours that might reach you, I have not resigned my strategic position by the side of H. P. because of the threats uttered against me by the escaped convict Black. I have resigned it, because rumours of much more worrying matter has finally made it to Hogwarts: apparently, the region in which you are currently residing is under attack. A maniac who thinks himself fit to challenge the Greatest Wizard of All Times (yourself, Master) is on the war path and attempts to destroy all and everything around him. Including yourself.

I know of course that such rumours are greatly exaggerated, but I have nevertheless decided that I would be of more use at your side than skulking around the Weasley boy's bed. I have therefore set off and am on my way.


P. Pettigrew

PS. I'm not sending this letter by owl but by wren, as in your present condition an owl might accidentally eat you.

a gust 1995

to: fithfl sssservnt in spe, baartmussss cruoch

havnig hard of ur latst misfortunessss, i hve deciedd to grant u the graet honor of freeng u frmo teh unwrthy cnditoin u hav ben ssssufffring undr. 4 furthr detials rfer to my obdinte sssrvant p.pttetigrw

ur master (exsss & in sssspe)

Lrd vald e mart

ps. plz x-cuse, hloding qill wehn disssmbodeid fuking hard. LOL!!!11

November 1995

Dear Barty,

I have received the order to inform you that your father is cracking under the strain put upon him by our beloved Master. He spends his evening hours sitting in what I have come to understand was your mother's favourite chair and reliving the story of your escape from Azkaban over and over again. Did you know your mother got the idea of impersonating you from an old school friend from Durmstrang? Apparently, that Mrs. Miloshevich (sp?) faked her own death by hanging, and spent the last 30 years alternately impersonating her son and whispering advice in his ear. It was she who infused him with such hatred against our Master. He has now sent out troops which roam the South-Easter-European forests and kill everything and everyone who looks "foreign" to them. How that Squib could have learned about our Master's whereabouts remains a mystery to me. But at least his trail is now cold. Mua ha ha!

Anyway, we decided it's for the best if your father took it easy from now on and are keeping him locked up in the basement.

Your friend and well-wisher,


*Serbian dictator and war criminal responsible for the Bosnian genocide during the Balkan war

I also drafted an idea for an obscure crossover challenge where I brought Emma Woodhouse and Eminem together. (Unsurprisingly, Eminem was introduced to Emma by Mr Frank Churchill. Mr Knightley was not pleased):

Snippet )

So, do you have any weird ficlets lying around that will never see the light of day? Do share!

Teh Sparkly

Aug. 6th, 2008 01:28 pm
Everything I know about Twilight I have learned from my flist, and I know that I will never, ever read the books. I never intended to waste any words on them, either, but I would like some confirmation that what I've now read is true:

Bella gives birth to Edmund's Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby and the following things happen in the process:

a) she pukes blood
b) the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby breaks her pelvis and her spine
c) Edmund uses his awesome sparkly marble teeth to bite the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby free from the womb

Really? I mean, seriously? Because if so, then this is the most beautiful cracky squick ever, and I am seriously impressed with SMeyer. I would have never dared to put anything like that into a novel I intend to be published and read by children.

Then again, I am not a romantic :-(
[ profile] ithurtsmybrain issued that challenge that affected my brain badly indeed, and so I started writing an Emma Woodhouse/Eminem fic. I intended it to be a shortish ficlet and to post it straightaway, but it didn't quite work out. Now I'm stuck between giving it up entirely, leaving it short, or taking the story somewhere.

Would any of you like to read it through and advise me to give it up what to do? It's an attempt at the Austen style. I'm agonising about Eminem, because I totally don't know what the man sounds like when not rapping, and I can't have him contribute song lyrics alone even though it's fun. Does anyone know which phrases he uses, apart from "like"?

Here's how it begins )

Apart from that I'm well. No permanent brain damage done yet. Drowning in work at the moment and owing comments aplenty. I will get down to it asap, I promise.
I've come across this site listing names that scream "I'm a Utah Mormon", and really, my first thought was, 'this lot's got their brains affected by Mary-Sue fiction.'

Because honestly, who else would call their daughter 'Latrina' or 'VulvaMae'?
This little ficlet was inspired by a conversation I led with [ profile] hippediva months ago. I finally got down to writing it. It's... weird, to say the least.

Title: The Bargain
Author: Donna Immaculata
Rating: R for violence and disturbing themes
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine.
Summary: In order to get his eyesight back, Sands is prepared to strike a deal with the devil.

Shadows crept along the dusty road... )
So [ profile] mctabby introduced us to the Unforgivable Crustaceous Curse the other day.

I've got the site to go with it:

"Got a fishy photo? A sexual encounter with a squid you'd like to share? "

ETA: What a HAUL of HORNY homosexual shellfish. Long muscular tails throb as they are gently caressed by innocent nippers. It's enough to make the eyes on the end of your stalks pop off!!


[ profile] morganmuffle, thanks a lot for the card! And in German, too :-D
This does crack me up. Last night I asked people to share stories of the pervy games they used to play as children, and my expectations have been truly exceeded. Indulging in sexual experimentation with one's cousins at the age of eight is obviously the most natural thing in the world, as are spanking and torture. But what about Barbie BDSM brothels, bondage & ligature hog-tying, My Little Pony BDSM, nude acrobatics, Emperor rapists, Playboy photo shoots, decapitations, and transsexual spaceman-cum-Matron LEGO men? A child's mind is a scary, scary place...

I don't smoke, and I don't know my exact weight (more or less 110 pounds), but I can tell you, in a poor imitation of Bridget Jones, the drinks I had tonight: half a bottle of wine (white), one caipirinha, 5 vodka-with-lemon longdrinks. (If anyone wants to catch me on Y!M: I'm chatty, but very slow).

It's all [ profile] swatkat24's fault, really. She talked about Malory Towers in a recent post of hers, and I replied with (among other things): "Long before I knew about slash - even before I really knew about sex - I used to re-enact the stories together with my cousin, spicing them up with some raunchy pre-pubescent sex fantasies."

Pre-pubescent sex fantasies, then. There has been a lot of those. )

So, I'm curious. Is it just my friends who fooled around with those fantasies? Or does any of you have any skeletons in the closet? Tell me, I promise I won't be shocked.
Well the characters are revolting... and pretty darn mad too. They have had it and are challenging you to justify yourself. The only real requirement is that you, as an author, and a character of one of your fics have a confrontation. No length restrictions or time frames. Frankly, I just want to know what the hell you were thinking. Please link to your original piece for reference and pimping, The Treacle Tart said. And yes, so I did:

Wherein Snape and Lupin pop by and cause Donna to turn into Donna-Sue
Why, I was wondering randomly, why didn't the Ministry send Harry an expulsion letter while he was performing underage wizardry while duelling with Voldemort? And why didn't they arrive to destroy his wand? I have come to assume that while underage wizardry is forbidden, it is impossible for the Ministry to tell that children from wizarding families do magic. Fred and George use spells when researching for Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, and Ginny hexes her brothers with the Bat-Bogey hex. Plus, the Ministry couldn't tell it was Dobby and not Harry who enchanted the pudding in CoS. The logical explanation is, the Ministry can only tell magic has been performed, but not by whom, and they have no control over underage wizards and witched doing magic within a magical environment.

But the graveyard in GoF is ordinary Muggle territory. And Harry is definitely underage there. So why?

Obviously, for plot reasons. But I quite like the idea of Ministry owls arriving with letters that tell Harry he's expelled. And enraged Ministry officials arriving a few minutes later to give poor Harry a hard time and obliviate possible Muggle witnesses.

That reminds me, I was also randomly wondering about how mixed marriages can ever take place, since the wizards' approach to Muggles seems to be to modify the memory of those who have been in contact with the magical world. Unless they're the relatives of wizards/witches.

But what would happen if a Muggle woman met a wizard under strange circumstances? If that woman, let's say Mary Lou, had crossed the path of some rampaging Death Eaters and some members of the Order, let's say Remus and Severus, happened to rescue her? What would they tell her?

Mary Lou's first and last excursion to the underworld )
Some weeks ago, [ profile] soawen and I created a monster. It all started innocently (right, [ profile] ellensmithee?) enough, with discussions of the different cane varieties and culminated in [ profile] soawen's replying to my comment on Hagrid's multifunctional umbrella: "Umbrella Corp?"

To which I replied: "I wouldn't put is past Hagrid to breed zombies in the basement. "Look 'ere, 'arry, if yeh hand 'em the piece of meat like this and hold 'em at a distance with the cane, they can't hurt yeh!""

And so the plot was born.

Because Babycakes asked me nicely )
All they wanted to do was make Remus look English. The moustache, the neatly parted hair, and now the cane - David Niven anyone?

Remus: By Jove, old chap, what a ripping good idea!
Sirius (worried whisper): You take the cane away, Prongs, and Wormy holds him while I shave that... thing off.
Inspired by [ profile] camillabloom's comment on my inability to spell 'Lockhart':

Title: The Return of the Muses
Word Count: 100

It was nice to be able to remember again.

Some memoried were a bit fuzzy, but on the whole, he was doing fine. Most memories were good: full of dazzling smiles and alabaster skin and firm hands and lush hair and sparkling eyes.

All his own, of course.

There was also another memory. Of smell and heat and wild.

He twirled his quill between elegant fingers. Joined handwriting wasn’t so hard when one got the hang of it. And with this title, a bestseller was a dead cert.

In lilac ink, Gilderoy Lockhart carefully painted the words:

Gobbling with Grims.


The next masterpiece is inspired by [ profile] mctabby's offer of absinthe poetry here. The Shrieking Shack incident (PoA) in a nutshell.

Cut for length, as it's in verse. )
So, I have been amusing myself with [ profile] prillalar's notorious drabble generator, too, and after having produced remarkable results, including a "germicidal dinner" (Sirius' and Buckbeak's), the wonderful sentence "Sirius' crotch began to tremble", and this immortal dialogue: "Ah, my love is like a dreamlike wary horse, all on a summer's day. I wish my Remus would shove me, in his own engaging way..."

"Do you?" Remus sat down beside Severus and put his hand on Severus's nose. "I think that could be arranged."

Severus gasped naturally. "But what about my verbal torso?"

"I like it," Remus said softly. "I think it's pretty."

They came together and their kiss was like an angels' choir, vibrating with a tender, divine melody.

I decided to Mary-Sue myself in one:

Shiny Love

Donna finished packing. Ever since Sirius, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Donna had been passionate.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing ate her, all was thick. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going in the dungeon to become a lissom bucket.

Just then, there was a candid knock at the door. Donna opened it and stood there hoarsely for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her arse.

When Donna came to, Sirius was holding her hand and looking wet. "My love," Sirius said benevolently, "I'm sorry for the liquid shock. I've been shipwrecked on a silky island for the last ten years, living like the stars that shine down on us sinners. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my chest in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Donna could hardly believe her Sirius had returned. "I will always love you, chest or no chest. Besides, you can cover it up with a melon."

They embraced meaningfully and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was strong.

The End

I must say, the fact that Sirius replaces his chest with a melon appeals to me on a purely punnish level.
First, there were [ profile] mctabby's Summary Executions. Then, there was my comment on the latest batch. And then, [ profile] ficbymarks said, "I bet if you stuck all these sentences as a fic up on death-curse or ff-net, you'd get a lot of good feedback."

And so I did. )
[ profile] cumbitch's masterpiece 'It's Cumming on you' - now on LJ.

Go here to read, retch and choke on your own laughter at the unique mixture of humongous dicks, ferret fucking, toadstool-shaped cock heads, geriatric spunk bubbles, and live action with Reg.

Pairings include: Albus/Ron, Padfoot/Pansy, Ginny/Hagrid, Walden/Dead!Regulus, Snape/Winky, and many more. What are you waiting for? Go, read. Shoo!
Which HP Bunny Will Bite You Next? by mctabby
Favorite Vegetable
you will writeNarcissa
paired withBill Weasley
your fic will involvea midnight rendezvous
and end intrue love
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

I quite like it, actually. A fluffy romance with pretty protagonists... Mmh... And what a refreshing contrast to FootFetish!MarySue/Ron for the Squick Fuh-Q Fest it is...

*goes off to write*

ETA: My attempts on the scenario all turned out too long for my liking. So I choose a different approach and wrote a limerick.

True Love

There was once a widow called Malfoy,
Who loved a red-headed pure-blood boy.
At midnight they met,
To make love and wed,
And each night they tried out a new toy.


Jan. 3rd, 2004 05:06 pm
I've been having fun catching up on some writing. Behind the cut are a couple of drabbles inspired by [ profile] hpsquick100, which I haven't posted to the community because - all of a sudden - the week would be over and a new challenge assigned.

Some light squick )
Thanks to [ profile] mctabby who mentioned it on her LJ, I've been spending some quality time browsing the Death-Curse Archive, a truly delightful source of fanfiction that makes your mind boggle.

Since the first time I read a fic on said archive (which happened to be Ginny/Remus slash), I've been addicted. Yes, I am addicted, and am not ashamed to admit it.

Hardly ever during my history as an active fanfiction-consumer I have encountered such a variety of spelling and grammar mutilations (forget!), such abuse of language, characters, and webspace. The positive thing about these stories is: they're short. The authors don't waste time with such redundancies as plot development (or plot in general), characterisation or coherent dialogues. The stories are short and to the purpose, the language in its simplicity achieves almost poetic qualities ("He pounded again and again. She twitched and cried: 'Oh yes, pound me again and again!' He called: 'You bitch like it when I pound you again and again!!" I'm paraphrasing. But not much.), and besides, how many slash stories have you ever read in your life that feature female ejaculation? Hm?

I must admit, I am quite baffled as to the exact definition of 'slash' on Death-Curse. So far, I have come up with two options: slash means a) stories that feature graphic sex or b) stories that feature anal sex, preferably performed on (female) virgins (who ejaculate in the process). I'd dearly like to ask the authors, but am a bit worried that I might receive a not-quite-informative "u SO SUKC bitch dont flamme i cum adn fuCK ur ASS!!111" in response.

Behind the cut are some Death-Curse goodies. For those among you who've got nerves of steel and a good friend to fall back on when it all gets too much. )



September 2014



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