Dear fanfic writers,

Do you ever stumble across a piece of writing in your draft folder that you had completely forgotten and that amuses you when you discover it after all those years? I saw the other day that, back in 2006, I had written a Slobodan Milosevic*/Harry Potter crossover:

"Whatever happened to Slobodan Milosevic? Mystery crack

Milosevic is dead and on his way to larger-than-life martyrdom. There's nothing like being a criminal - alleged or convicted - and dying under mysterious circumstances to become a martyr. Rumour will have it that he's been poisoned by corrupt Dutch authorities. According to my latest information (radio, half an hour ago), his death was caused by anti-leprosy and anti-tuberculosis drugs which counteracted the effects of his heart medication. However, considering all facts, I can't help but see some parallels and notice some evidence that points firmly into a different direction. South-Eastern Europe? Connection to Kosovo-Albanians? A mother's untimely death? High-security prison? Where have I read all this before?

Let's have a look at this letter exchange:

July 1995

Dear Master-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

Contrary to all the rumours that might reach you, I have not resigned my strategic position by the side of H. P. because of the threats uttered against me by the escaped convict Black. I have resigned it, because rumours of much more worrying matter has finally made it to Hogwarts: apparently, the region in which you are currently residing is under attack. A maniac who thinks himself fit to challenge the Greatest Wizard of All Times (yourself, Master) is on the war path and attempts to destroy all and everything around him. Including yourself.

I know of course that such rumours are greatly exaggerated, but I have nevertheless decided that I would be of more use at your side than skulking around the Weasley boy's bed. I have therefore set off and am on my way.

Sincerely,

P. Pettigrew

PS. I'm not sending this letter by owl but by wren, as in your present condition an owl might accidentally eat you.



a gust 1995

to: fithfl sssservnt in spe, baartmussss cruoch

havnig hard of ur latst misfortunessss, i hve deciedd to grant u the graet honor of freeng u frmo teh unwrthy cnditoin u hav ben ssssufffring undr. 4 furthr detials rfer to my obdinte sssrvant p.pttetigrw

ur master (exsss & in sssspe)

Lrd vald e mart

ps. plz x-cuse spell.work, hloding qill wehn disssmbodeid fuking hard. LOL!!!11



November 1995

Dear Barty,

I have received the order to inform you that your father is cracking under the strain put upon him by our beloved Master. He spends his evening hours sitting in what I have come to understand was your mother's favourite chair and reliving the story of your escape from Azkaban over and over again. Did you know your mother got the idea of impersonating you from an old school friend from Durmstrang? Apparently, that Mrs. Miloshevich (sp?) faked her own death by hanging, and spent the last 30 years alternately impersonating her son and whispering advice in his ear. It was she who infused him with such hatred against our Master. He has now sent out troops which roam the South-Easter-European forests and kill everything and everyone who looks "foreign" to them. How that Squib could have learned about our Master's whereabouts remains a mystery to me. But at least his trail is now cold. Mua ha ha!

Anyway, we decided it's for the best if your father took it easy from now on and are keeping him locked up in the basement.

Your friend and well-wisher,

Pete"

*Serbian dictator and war criminal responsible for the Bosnian genocide during the Balkan war

I also drafted an idea for an obscure crossover challenge where I brought Emma Woodhouse and Eminem together. (Unsurprisingly, Eminem was introduced to Emma by Mr Frank Churchill. Mr Knightley was not pleased):

Snippet )

So, do you have any weird ficlets lying around that will never see the light of day? Do share!
The linden trees in front of my house are in full bloom, and all I can think of is this:



*I can't bring myself to spell it "cum". I wonder how Mitchell and Webb spell it?
Ever since I started playing in the Hornblower fandom, I've been trying to acquire some factual information about the Age of Sail, because I know nothing about seafaring whatsoever, nevermind the Royal Navy in the 18th century. I can just about tell where a ship ends and the sea begins; and seeing as I want to add some details to potential fics rather than have them shag in a fictional vacuum, I try to at least check what the uniforms looked like so that they can be taken off in a convincing manner.

I am distracted by all those crotches*. I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on here?


I mean, I'm not a stranger to crotches. I've seen Pride and Prejudice:
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I must admit, I've always found this scene very disturbing.

Canonically, Hornblower has this gem to offer:

Look at his crotch and tell me that's not a wet spot right there! (Bear in mind that Horatio has just come from Archie's room, where Archie is being all bedridden and vulnerable.)

ETA: I forgot him. How could I have forgotten him?


*I'm currently writing fic. In order to get it right, I did a quick google image search for "French uniforms". It brought that painting to my attention, and so I spent 15 minutes taking caps and uploading pictures to illustrate my point. At this rate, I will never finish anything, ever!
Tech support in grocery store. I LOLed:

This has just made my day. I cried tears of laughter and joy:



[livejournal.com profile] ihlanya, you have to watch it, if only for the guy on the far right at 2.00 min.

ETA: embedding.
All these people who invented myths were really just writing crack!fic, weren't they?

Raccoon Dogs and Their Magically Expanding Scrotums (with pictures)

Raccoon dogs are known in Japanese folklore to have the magical ability to expand their scrotums.

[livejournal.com profile] lovehotel, you should have mentioned that!
Title: Giant squid do it deeper
Warnings: mpreg, non-con, slash, het, BDSM, mutilation, non-consensual masturbation (apparently), mentions of character death and cannibalism
Disclaimer: This is not a dark/squick/crack fic, but TRUFAX science

And scientists now believe the males had [...] been inseminated by other males after "bumping" into them in the dark [...].

"bumping into them accidentally" heh! Sounds like a slash fic to me.

http://www.cdnn.info/news/eco/e050925.html
Do any of you read [livejournal.com profile] weepingcock? If not, you totally should. It's highly educational. Today, for example, I learned that a) there is a Rammstein fandom (which shouldn't have surprised me, and yet it did) and b) that, apparently, it's filled with fluffy fics in which the Rammstein guys cry a lot.

What is the world coming to?

It's Rammstein. They sing about eating people out of jealousy and about men raping their daughters and about getting off on whipping "white flesh" into bloody shreds. They sing about sick pervy stuff. They should be awarded with sick pervy fics with lots and lots of fetishes and bloodplay and suchlike.

I am shocked.
So, I went online, looking for religion-related sites. And then I found this:

"Fundies Say the Darndest Things!"

including:

"Sorry, but as a hearty Christian, I care a whole lot about where you're putting your genitals. I just want so badly for you to put your penis inside of a virginal vagina."

"I have a question. What if I masturbated to the mental imagery of someone being converted to christianity. There would be nothing sexual involved in the thoughts that would be taking place. It might take me longer to finish but yeah, what if that was the case?"

"Just wait till the United States becomes a CHRISTIAN nation again. We will get rid of public schools, put kids back in church schools the way it was at thye beggining of our nation. Abortion, Homosexuality,new-age mumbo jumbo, False Religions such as Mormons, Jehovahs witnesses, Catholics, Jews, Kawanza, Halloween, Satanic Music, will be all abolished when this nation once again becomes a Christian nation as it was intended."

"But God don't talk in Arabic. He talks in a REAL language, namely, English. It's true that back in them days He translated that to some other language after Speaking it in English, but after all, it's His universe and He can do what He doggone well wants to do."

"A person who sold a slave did not make God sick like watching two men do it." - Strangely, according to the Bible, this is probably true.

"I'm tired of hearing all of this debate of homosexuality. Why is it even debateable? These people are abominations in the eyes of the Lord; they could change their ways but choose not to. There's no arguement, that's just how it is. We should burn the gays at the stake, it worked in the Inquisition...I don't see any witches around anymore (real witches, not those hippy wiccan imitation witches)."

"I honestly don't care about your rights. If it were up to me, all Atheists would be burnt at the stake and or cast into a river with weights tied to their ankles and or placed before the firing squad, etc etc etc."

"Female circumcision is not barbaric. It is done for a reason, to keep the female pure. If only we adopted such practices here in the UK, then maybe women would be less inclined toward infidelity and therefore family values would still be an integral part of society."

"Don't ever compare heterosexual incest to homosexuality! Homosexuality is much worse because it involves two people with the same genitalia! At least incest can be traditional, and involve a man and a woman--a brother and a sister, Just like the children of Adam & Eve! So wonderful and pure of heart! God bless. "

"God's definition of "flat" is wholly different from ours. The world is flat in His eyes, but spherical in ours. This is simply because our eyes are tainted with sin and doubt."

I do like this one a lot:

"I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty."

The above train of thought is explained thusly:

"WHEN THE TOPIC IS GOD.. I DON'T GO ON THE LOGICAL THING.. "

More fundies' pearls of wisdom [Or, as Eddie Izzard puts it: "There's pearls of wisdom and there's pearls of... nutcaseness."]

And an extra tip for a happy marriage:

"Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it."

http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/happyhubby.html

And to throw in Terry Pratchett, as well: "Auditors were fascinated by religion, because so much that was done in its name didn't make any sense at all. Genocide, for example." (paraphrased)

ETA: The LEGO Bible. This is seriously funny: http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Especially the sex stuff:

Check out the sheep!

And the Greatest Sin of All

Apparently, someone had dropped Teh Gay Bomb on Sodom & Gomorrha
It's a bit late, because the horse-fuck wank has entertained the whole of LJ land for days and is dying down now, but I have only just come across the perfect comment on it. And it's never too late to throw in a bit of Pratchett.

You've got to sing this in a thin, shaky voice, preferably whilst dancing on a table with a mug of beer in your hand:

Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have this to say as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have a ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Click here for the rest )

My icon has never been so appropriate.
Anyone listened to the "Tooth and Claw" commentary? David Tennant cracked me up:

(*paraphrases, as too lazy to find it again*)

DT: So when we were filming, the werewolf obviously wasn't there. There was this guy, Josh, standing in, in a skin-tight suit and with a stick on his head with a blue ball attached to it. That was our eye line, the ball. And Josh was wearing a skin-tight outfit - and I mean skin-tight - and he was - not to go too much into detail, um, he was intimidating all the men on set. He was... he was... a big boy.

*long pause*

DT: Did I say too much? Can we go back and... *voices, laughter*

Aw, David. It could be a rolled-up stocking, you know. You've done that.
Last night, I dreamt I was writing a Fanny Hill pastiche of Harry Potter, using John Cleland's style and setting and only changing the names and the characters' sex, if necessary. I had the plot all ready: Harry Potter is Fanny Hill and he leaves the Dursleys for the big city. Once in the brothel of Hogwarts, he experiences his sexual initiation with Cedric Diggory, who takes up Phoebe's part )

Cedric, the perv, is not satisfied with getting Harry off and makes him - not wank him off, because I'm quoting verbatim from the original text and Phoebe has nothing to be wanked - but fist him. Kinky! )

Later, Fanny!Harry (which would be an excellent nickname for a feminised Harry sporting a man-vagina) is almost raped by Snape. Thusly: )

But then, after a series of voyeuristic sessions, during which Fanny!Harry learns to appreciate the beauty of a male body, the noble and beautiful Bill Weasley comes to fetch him, and and Fanny!Harry is finally deflowered: )

That's it. This is where the dream ended. I am too lazy to write the whole thing, but the excerpts give a pretty good impression of what the final product would look like. Oh, and it's not porn, BTW. It's erotica.
You know how sometimes when you read HP it strikes you that you've met this character before, under quite dissimilar circumstances? I was listening to OotP the other day, and when I reached the passage where Draco rolls his eyes, wiggles his tongue and pulls grosteque grimaces (or something along these lines; it's hard to keep track of what silly thing exactly Draco is doing in which book), I realised: Draco is Chandler Bing.

Think about it. Far from being the Ice Prince of Slytherin, Draco is the class clown. Plus, he's indeniably got that certain, ah, quality (much discussed in season 1, if I'm not mistaken).

Also: headstrong, attractive mother who knows what she wants? Check. Blond, attractive father, who likes prancing around, runs off with the house boy... elf... boy, and joins some dubious cult movement where he can indulge in his fondness for extravagant clothes?Check. And Pansy Parkinson is so Janice.

In supporting roles:

Hermione Granger as Monica
Luna Lovegood as Phoebe
Ginny Weasley as Rachel
Neville Longbottom as Ross
and
Crabbe'n'Goyle as Joey

Seriously. Can't you just picture Crabbe'nGoyle grunting "How ya doin'?" at random girls? And I know Harry thinks they're ugly, but we know that Harry appreciates the slender, elegant type and ignores the butch.

On a similar note: Fanon!Sirius and Remus are so Scott and Mike from My Own Private Idaho. It's almost as though the movie was an AU version of the average Sirius/Remus post-Hogwarts fic.
I've been browsing Greek mythology on the search for neat, meaningful names that can be used in fics. This one amused me exceedingly:

Alectryon: A Greek youth who Ares posted as a guardian by the door when he visited Aphrodite. Alectryon fell asleep during the night so that their lovemaking was discovered by Helios. As punishment, the boy was turned into a cock*.

*is twelve years old*

*"which since then never stops to announce the arrival of the sun", but we can disregard that.
Having spent the better part of last night reading, I am ready to re-enter the fandom. Thank God.

I am a sucker for first impressions. Therefore, I wrote down my thoughts whilst reading to capture my initial reactions before they get muddled by too many discussions and too much theorising. I managed to simultaneously read the book and write down my comments up to chapter 18, and then had to give up, because it was getting really late. I didn't go back to revise my comments afterwards, so everything is perfectly unspoiled by my knowledge of the events to come.

Wizards do like their drink, don't they? )
Okay, so I went to see Kingdom of Heaven. It made me realise one thing: Not only are all libraries connected via L-Space, no, all movies are, too. I'm sure the Reader in Invisible Writings could deduct the nature of all movies not yet made, never to be made and almost-made-but-the-budget-ran-out-and-then-the-star-topped-herself by watching the films that already exist.

It also made me think of the Trousers of Time, and how some characters seem to try to replay their fomer parts and iron out mistakes they made in the past. It doesn't always work out, though.

Anyway, to say it with the words of a friend of mine: How the fuck did they play those parts with no trace of self-irony?*

By Jingo! )
*is worried*

First thing I did this morning was write a ficlet for [livejournal.com profile] cordelia_v, who asked for "a sick, sacriligeous drabble. Bonus points if you can work in any of the following: his history as a member of the Hitler Youth; Ratzinger's pronouncement that all other religions are "deficient"; or a reference to the fact that (more than any other cardinal) he's worked hard to foreclose any possibility that women could ever become Catholic priests." I meant to link to it in my LJ this morning, but I forgot. Not a good sign.

Anyway, it's Joseph Ratzinger/Karol Wojtyla (aka Benedict XVI/John Paul II). Offensive subject matter, Nazi references and implied slash! Be warned! The original version in German is here. The translation (a very hasty and rough one) is here )
I've been having a Horrible Time* lately and could do with some entertainment. And because you** brim over with creativity and humour, I've got a request to make: Write me something funny. I could do with a good laugh. Write me a crack!drabble (Shrek x-over: Animagus!Minerva/Puss-in-Boots!), in defence of a crack pairing (Bill/Dudley!), share some humorous*** anecdote from your eventful RL or tell me a seriously silly joke. I laugh at everything, I promise. I'm easy like that.


*The Horrible Time is nothing to worry about. I'm doing all right, on the whole, I'm not depressed or fed up with things or anything. But Things have been happening on which I have no influence and which affect my life in a negative way. The Things are of external nature, mind, and they will be done with at some point. It's frustrating and enraging at the moment, and I don't really want to talk about it. I'll explain when it's all over. So don't worry about me and entertain me instead, 'kay?

**This is not exclusive for my friendslist. Passers-by are encouraged to share teh funny, too.

***or frivolous****

****Rosina...

HBP rumours

Apr. 6th, 2005 05:32 pm
OK, is anyone else amused about Rowling's answer to the rumour about the chapter titled "Lupin's Papers"? I must admit I love the idea of the Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape. Fic, anyone?

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