You Gotta Have Faith

[donnaimmaculata]

So, I went online, looking for religion-related sites. And then I found this:

"Fundies Say the Darndest Things!"

including:

"Sorry, but as a hearty Christian, I care a whole lot about where you're putting your genitals. I just want so badly for you to put your penis inside of a virginal vagina."

"I have a question. What if I masturbated to the mental imagery of someone being converted to christianity. There would be nothing sexual involved in the thoughts that would be taking place. It might take me longer to finish but yeah, what if that was the case?"

"Just wait till the United States becomes a CHRISTIAN nation again. We will get rid of public schools, put kids back in church schools the way it was at thye beggining of our nation. Abortion, Homosexuality,new-age mumbo jumbo, False Religions such as Mormons, Jehovahs witnesses, Catholics, Jews, Kawanza, Halloween, Satanic Music, will be all abolished when this nation once again becomes a Christian nation as it was intended."

"But God don't talk in Arabic. He talks in a REAL language, namely, English. It's true that back in them days He translated that to some other language after Speaking it in English, but after all, it's His universe and He can do what He doggone well wants to do."

"A person who sold a slave did not make God sick like watching two men do it." - Strangely, according to the Bible, this is probably true.

"I'm tired of hearing all of this debate of homosexuality. Why is it even debateable? These people are abominations in the eyes of the Lord; they could change their ways but choose not to. There's no arguement, that's just how it is. We should burn the gays at the stake, it worked in the Inquisition...I don't see any witches around anymore (real witches, not those hippy wiccan imitation witches)."

"I honestly don't care about your rights. If it were up to me, all Atheists would be burnt at the stake and or cast into a river with weights tied to their ankles and or placed before the firing squad, etc etc etc."

"Female circumcision is not barbaric. It is done for a reason, to keep the female pure. If only we adopted such practices here in the UK, then maybe women would be less inclined toward infidelity and therefore family values would still be an integral part of society."

"Don't ever compare heterosexual incest to homosexuality! Homosexuality is much worse because it involves two people with the same genitalia! At least incest can be traditional, and involve a man and a woman--a brother and a sister, Just like the children of Adam & Eve! So wonderful and pure of heart! God bless. "

"God's definition of "flat" is wholly different from ours. The world is flat in His eyes, but spherical in ours. This is simply because our eyes are tainted with sin and doubt."

I do like this one a lot:

"I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty."

The above train of thought is explained thusly:

"WHEN THE TOPIC IS GOD.. I DON'T GO ON THE LOGICAL THING.. "

More fundies' pearls of wisdom [Or, as Eddie Izzard puts it: "There's pearls of wisdom and there's pearls of... nutcaseness."]

And an extra tip for a happy marriage:

"Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it."

http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/happyhubby.html

And to throw in Terry Pratchett, as well: "Auditors were fascinated by religion, because so much that was done in its name didn't make any sense at all. Genocide, for example." (paraphrased)

ETA: The LEGO Bible. This is seriously funny: http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Especially the sex stuff:

Check out the sheep!

And the Greatest Sin of All

Apparently, someone had dropped Teh Gay Bomb on Sodom & Gomorrha

Comments

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

*brain dribbles out of ears*

The bigotry and stuff is sort of expected, because it's their opinion, but this is very special...

"God's definition of "flat" is wholly different from ours. The world is flat in His eyes, but spherical in ours. This is simply because our eyes are tainted with sin and doubt."

And I seem to be a dreadful hypocrit, because Hasten for intercourse when your wife feels compulsion for it doesn't seem nearly as bad....

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Isn't it just? A beautifully well-rounded metaphysical argument.

To be honest, I don't think a good wife ever "feels compulsion for it". Even if she's happy to oblige her husband.

There's also a related site with tips for husbands, including advice regarding "intercourse". Also, a good husband should "Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands."

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

Indeed, irony itself is a gay invention, a coping mechanism for gay people who recognize that they don’t really fit in with normal society.

Irony is a gay invention????????

Oh, I feel compulsion for it, all the time - he can't keep up!

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Bless 'em. It's a good invention.

Incidentally, did you read about Teh Gay Bomb? ("And they're missing a huge opportunity there. Because we all know that one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Battalion Transvestite Brigade?" E.I.)

Then you are probably some sort of Jezebel and should be beaten with a pointy stick. Or exorcised.

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another

God Bless America!

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

My theory is that they (will have) tested Teh Gay Bomb on Capt. Jack Harkness and his squad. (Remember the anecdote he was telling in "Boomtown"? Something about them all running away and "being naked"?) It's true!

Link to Teh Gay Bomb is courtesey from aubrem, BTW, whom I really should credit properly.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

I like how they believe gay = sex-crazed maniacs. They probably think all gay men do is shagshagshag, all the time. (Well, the gay man in my icon does...)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I love the whole idea of definitions being different God, because of what it does to language. For instance, "good" is often said to be differently understood for God, which is why I couldn't, for instance, look at anything that God does (like letting people go to hell forever) and say it's bad, because "good" is different for God, just as "flat" is. As if the word "good" exists independently instead of being something that humans made up to describe a different thing. Instead it can sort of mean "good" without conforming to anything that is good.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Well, it all boils down to faith being the foundation of all argument, not logic or established, earthly definitions. "Good" or "flat" meaning something different for God than for humans derives from the same train of thought as "the Bible is true, because God say so in the Bible". - It doesn't matter whether it makes any sense or not - as long as it can be explained with "but it's God... and we're not supposed to understand it anyway." (Quite apart from the fact that, from some people's point of view, sending sinners to hell forever is a good thing to do, anyway.)

[florahart]

The fundies site, I saw somewhere the other day and nearly died of looking at it, partly due to like, threatening abdominal hemorrhage from laughing to death, and partly due to how my brain shrunk 5% for every statement read and partly because dude, I have relatives who ...might not see anything wrong with a number of these statements.

But yes, tainted round eyes is just ...WHAT? I was trying the other day to explain to my kid about people who believe God made the earth 4000 years ago, with fossils already present, and he was like, "you're making my brain explode." Maybe I should tell him about these folks. Heh.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

They make you laugh, they make you cry - sometimes both at the same time.

See, but your son is infiltrated with those filthy public school ideas. You probably don't beat him properly, either.