donnaimmaculata | I suck at fictional sex life

So I've just been idly toying with the idea of doing the "Which fictional characters would you shag" meme, because fictional crushes are what my online life is all about, but then: First, I don't know most of the characters on the list and can't be arsed to html-strike them all. And second, when I started to actually consider the characters that I would shag; I realised that I... wouldn't. Not unless I were a Mary Sue.

Clearly, I've given it too much thought, but I am thorough like that: Captain Jack Sparrow? Pretty, yes, and wicked, and it's Johnny Depp and all. But he suffers from the Lord of the Rings syndrome of being Unwashed. (In LotR fics I couldn't get past the fact that they have been wandering around in their armour for months and months without washing. How can Aragorn/Boromir slash even work? They are filthy! Would you want to have anything to do with a penis that hasn't seen any water and soap in ages?)

So no, unless I were a Mary Sue and Captain Jack Sparrow a Mary-Sue fic protagonist ("His hair is not greasy, it's silky!"), I would not touch him with a ten-foot pole. I've been sat next to the Unwashed on the bus, thankyouverymuch.

Then there are the ever-popular vampires. I still fail to see the appeal of vampires. Call me a speciest, but they're dead. Okay, so I find Blood Ties' Henry Fitzroy and Being Human's Mitchell delightfully charming indeed, but they are dead. Henry would not fall asleep after sex. He would, for all intents and purposes, die. Okay, so he'd revive 12 hours later, but I don't see myself coping all that well with a man who falls dead when the night is over. Mitchell might not die, but he'd kill me and drink my blood. Oh, he'd feel bad about it afterwards, I'm sure, but a man who first hurts you and then feels bad about it - is that the way to go? I'm not quite so much into disfunctional relationships. Also, he's got cold skin, no pulse and no heartbeat. Would he sweat? Would he come? (As in: is there sperm?) If not, count me out. (Clearly too much thought. But, y'know, thorough.) Is that issue ever addressed in vampire porn fics?

Remus Lupin. Ah, Remus. I did love him madly. But again, the different species thing is a bit of a problem. I happily give him a fabulous sex life with other HP and non-HP characters, but, unless I develop Mary-Sue-sque qualities, I'd rather stay away from shagging a man who turns into a wolf every few weeks. Same applies to Sirius Black. It'd freak me out to know that he might turn into a dog any moment. Of course, there's always the option that they would lie to me by omission and never share their furry little secrets with me. Yes, that would actually work...

The Doctor (Ten, obvsly)? Delightful, but immortal and has two hearts. I couldn't cope with a second hearbeat just as I couldn't cope with the lack of a heartbeat. Plus, a bit of a wanker.

Okay, so the immortals are out. I can't even cope all that well with a man whose thighs are thinner than mine - how should I be able to cope with one who will maintain his physical perfection forever and ever, taunting me with it mercilessly?

Mr. Darcy. Presumably, he'd expect me to be a virgin or a whore. I can do neither. Disappointment on both sides is inevitable.

Then the list includes a wide array of yer olde "brilliant, yet socially and romantically inept" guys. Gregory House? Run away! Jonathan Creek? His neuroses would kill me dead even quicker than Mitchell would. Psychopaths like Patrick Batemen and the Joker are out, because I actually quite like to live.

In conclusion: The only fictional character I would actually have sex with if I were me and he were himself and no Mary-Sueing occured on either side is Northanger Abbey's Henry Tilney, who isn't even on the list.

1.Dr. Christian Troy (Nip/Tuck, tv)
2.Mike Delfino (Desperate Housewives, tv)
3.Dr. Gregory House (House M.D., tv),
4.Warrick Brown (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, tv)
5.Dr. Derek Shepherd (Grey’s Anatomy, tv)
6.Anthony (Tony) Dinozzo (NCIS, tv)
7.Jim Halpert (The Office, tv)
8.James ‘Sawyer’ Ford (Lost, tv)
9.Danny Taylord (Without a Trace, tv)
10.Derek Morgan (Criminal Minds, tv)
11.Noah Bennet (Heroes, tv)
12.Michael Scofield (Prison Break, tv)
13.Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian (Scrubs, tv)
14.Sam Winchester (Supernatural, tv)
15.Chandler Bing (Friends, tv)
16.Jack Bauer (24, tv)
17.Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity, movie)
18.Westley (The Princess Bride, movie)
19.Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean, movie)
20.Rusty Ryan (Ocean’s 11, movie)
21.Detective Mac Taylor (CSI: NY, tv)
22.Detective Danny Messer (CSI: NY, tv)
23.Sheriff Jack Carter (EUReKA, tv)
24.Dr. Nathan Stark (EUReKA, tv)
25.Jonathan Creek (Jonathan Creek, tv)
26.Dr. James Wilson (House, M.D., tv)
27.Mark Corrigan (Peep Show, tv)
28.Fitzwilliam Darcy (Pride & Prejudice)
29.Jools Sivite (Spooks, tv)
30.Captain Jack Harkness (Dr. Who/Torchwood, tv)
31.Danny Ocean (Ocean’s 11, movie)
32.Jack Bristow (Alias, tv)
33.Dr. Owen Harper (Torchwood, tv)
34.The Doctor (Doctor Who, tav)
35.Commodore James Norrington (Pirates of the Caribbean, movies)
36.John Winchester (Supernatural, tv)
37.Eric Delko (CSI: Miami, tv)
38.Rick Simon (Simon & Simon, tv)
39.Ardeth Bay (The Mummy, movies)
40.Gene Hunt (Life on Mars, tv)
41.Dean Winchester (Supernatural, tv)
42.Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tv)
43.Mick St. John (Moonlight, tv)
44.Mr. Big (Sex and the City, tv)
45.Henry Fitzroy (Blood Ties, tv)
46.Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights, tv)
47.Peter Petrelli (Heroes, tv)
48.Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars, tv)
49.Rodney McKay (Stargate: Atlantis, tv)
50.Chris Keller (Oz, tv)
51.Mohinder Suresh (Heroes, tv)
52.John Sheppard (Stargate: Atlantis, tv)
53.Dr. Daniel Jackson (Stargate: SG-1, tv)
54.Alec McDowell (Dark Angel, tv)
55.Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tv)
56.Priestly (Ten Inch Hero, movie)
57.Jason Teague (Smallville, tv)
58.Angelus (BtVS, Angel, tv)
59.Logan/Wolverine (X-Men, movie)
60.Jess Mariano (Gilmore Girls, tv)
61.Sam Tyler (Life on Mars, tv)
62.Harold Saxon/The Master (Doctor Who, tv)
63.Ianto Jones (Torchwood, tv)
64.Steven Hyde (That 70s Show, tav)
65.Cassidy Casablancas (Veronica Mars, tv)
66.Mason (Dead Like Me, tv)
67.Robbie Turner (Atonement, movie)
68.Derek Reese (Sarah Connor Chronicles, tv)
69.Chris Miles (Skins, tv)
70.Tony Stonem (Skins, tv)
71.Dexter Morgan (Dexter, tv)
72.Reed Garrett (CSI: NY, tv)
73.Greg Sanders (CSI, tv)
74.Nick Stokes (CSI, tv)
75.Dick Casablancas (Veronica Mars, tv)
76.Charlie Pace (LOST, tv)
77.Merry Brandybuck (Lord of the Rings, movie, book)
78.Pippin Took (Lord of the Rings, movie, book)
79.Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl, book)
80.Ryan Atwood (The OC, tv)
81.Charlie Prince (3:10 to Yuma, movie)
82.Brendan Frye (Brick, movie)
83.Seeley Booth (Bones, tv)
84.Noah Calhoun (The Notebook, movie)
85.Scott Valens (Cold Case, tv)
86.Nate Archibald (Gossip Girl, tv)
87.Edward Cullen (Twilight, movie, book)
88.Emmett Cullen (Twilight, movie, book)
89.Louis Connelly (August Rush, movie)
90.Alex Karev (Grey’s Anatomy, tv)
91.Jake Perry (Sweet Home Alabama, movie)
92.Tyler Gage (Step Up, movie)
93.Denny Duquette (Grey’s Anatomy, tv)
94.Jake Jagielski (One Tree Hill, tv)
95.Dean Forester (Gilmore Girls, tv)
96.Sid Jenkins (Skins, tv)
97.Matt Saracen (Friday Night Lights, tv)
98.Cappie (Greek, tv)
99.Doug Ross (ER, tv)
100.Smith Jerrod (SATC, tv)
101.Ted Mosby (HIMYM, tv)
102.Spike (Notting Hill, movie)
103.Robert Chase (House M.D., tv)
104.Jack O’Neill (Stargate: SG-1, tv)
105.Ned “The Pie Maker (Pushing Daisies, tv)
106.Jack Sheppard (Lost, tv)
107.Jasper Hale (Twilight, movie, book)
108.Harry Potter (Harry Potter, movie, book)
109.Sirius Black (Harry Potter, movie, book)
110.Sweeney Todd (Sweeney Todd, musical, film)
111.Ron Weasley (Harry Potter, movie, book)
112.Ronan Dex (Stargate: Atlantis, tv)
113.Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter, novel, film)
114.Lucius Malfoy (Harry Potter, novel, film)
115.Don Flack (CSI: NY, tv)
116.Bob Brown (The Unit, tv)
117.Don Epps (Numb3rs, tv)
118.Nathan Scott (One Tree Hill, tv)
119.Sayid Jarrah (Lost, tv)
120.Will Turner (Pirates of the Caribbean, movie)
121.Dr. Sheldon Hawkes (CSI:NY, tv)
122.Tim Speedle (CSI: Miami)
123.Andy Bernard (The Office, tv)
124.Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report, tv)
125.Paulie Bleeker (Juno, movie)
126.Kevin Doyle (27 Dresses, movie)
127.Lawrence Kutner (House M.D., tv)
128.Colby Granger (Numb3rs, tv)
129.Jayne Cobb (Firefly, tv)
130.Adam Monroe (Heroes, tv)
131.Julian Sark (Alias, tv)
132.Methos (Highlander, tv)
133.Wesley Wyndam-Pryce (Buffy/Angel, tv)
134.Wash (Firefly, tv)
135.Carson Beckett (Stargate: Atlantis, tv)
136.Cameron Mitchell (Stargate: SG-1, tv)
137.Daniel Meade (Ugly Betty, tv)
138.Major Lorne (Stargate SG-1/Atlantis, tv)
139.Agent Mulder (The X-Files, tv)
140.The Joker (tv, comic books, movie)
141.Sylar (Heroes, tv)
142.Chuck (Stargate: Atlantis, tv)
143.Zack (Bones, tv)
144.Niles Crane (Frasier, tv)
145.Dr. Perry Cox (Scrubs, tv)
146.Gambit (X-men, comics)
147.Captain John Hart (Torchwood, tv)
148.Lestat d’Lioncourt (Vampire Chronicles, movie/book)
149.Louis de Pointe du Lac (Vampire Chronicles, movie/book)
150.Stephen Hart (Primeval, tv)
151.Dr. Mark Sloan (Grey’s Anatomy, tv)
152.Castiel (Supernatural, tv)
153.Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk (The Tudors, tv)
154.Speed Racer (Speed Racer, movie)
155.St. John Allerdyce (X-men, movies)
156.Neo (The Matrix, movie)
157.Dorian Grey (The Picture of Dorian Grey, book)
158.John Mitchell (Being Human, tv)
159.Simon Tam (Firefly, tv)
160.William Miller (Almost Famous, movie)
161.A.J. Crowley (Good Omens, book)
162.Samuel T. Anders (Battlestar Galactica, tv)
163.Rex Racer/Racer X (Speed Racer, movie)
164.John Crichton (Farscape, tv)
165.Desmond Hume (Lost, tv)
166.Eric Yorkie (Twilight, movies not book)
167.Barney Stinson (HIMYM, tv)
168.Kyon (Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, anime)
169.Dr Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds, tv)
170.Daniel Faraday (Lost, tv)
171.Will Tippin (Alias, tv)
172.Alan Shore (Boston Legal, tv)
173.Josh Lyman (The West Wing, tv)
174.Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, book)
175.Arthur (Merlin, tv)
176.Jamie Crawford (The Demon’s Lexicon, book)
177.Chuck Bartowski (Chuck, tv)
178.Captain Mal Reynolds (Firefly/Serenity, tv, more)
179.Tyler Durden (Fight Club, movie)
180.Remus Lupin (Harry Potter, book)
181.Ando Masahashi (Heroes, tv)
182.Cooper Freedman (Private Practice, tv)
183.Lincoln Burrows (Prison Break, tv)
184.Seth Cohen (The O.C., tv)
185.Dwight Schrute (The Office, tv)
186.Patrick Bateman (American Psycho, movie)
187.Bruce Wayne (Batman, comics, movie, tv)
188.Hiro Nakamura (Heroes, tv)
189.Danny Bolen (Desperate Housewives, tv)
190.Spock (Star Trek, tv, movie)
191.George Sands (Being Human, tv)
192.Logan Huntzberger (Gilmore Girls, tv)
193.Topher Brink (Dollhouse, tv)
194.Damon Salvatore (Vampire Diaries, tv, books)
195.Eric Northam (True Blood, tv, books)
196.Freddie McLair (Skins, tv)
197.John Tucker (John Tucker Must Die, movie)
198.Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars Episode 2 &3, movie)
199.Slevin (Lucky Number Slevin, movie)
200.Don Draper (Mad Men, tv)
201. Booster Gold (DC, comic books)
202. Iron Fist (Marvel, comic books)
203. Kyle Rayner (DC, comic books)
204. Rex Bolsam (One Life to Live, tv)
205. John Casey (Chuck, tv)
206. Hercules (Incredible Hercules, comics)
207. Guy Gardner (Green Lantern, comics)
208. Jaime Reyes (Blue Beetle, comics)
209. Captain Kirk (Star Trek, tv)
210. Lorne (Angel, tv)
211. Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings, books, movies)
212. Baron Münchhausen (The Adventures of Baron Münchhausen, movie)
213. The Mad Hatter (Alice in Wonderland, book, movie)
214. Charles Xavier (X-men, comics)
215. Magneto (X-men, comics)
216. Dr Horrible (Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog, internet)
217. Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords, TV)
218. Bret Mckenzie (Flight of the Conchords, TV)
219. Will Schuester (Glee, TV)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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Bill and Tom have recently said they fancy Kate Winslet, even though she's OMG older. I'd say you're in with a chance.

I wish the dog thing wouldn't freak me out, because, y'know, Sirius. But then I thought about it in too many details, and, no. I'm just that prudish.

I saw the interview with Bill and Tom on telly and LOL'ed. The poor little things who take it all oh so seriously.

At least self-inserts make much more sense in RPF than in a fictional canon. And LOL at the sangria fruit. Have you ever seen In the Realm of Senses? I vaguely remember an egg and mushrooms being used for such purposes.

Well, would you be shagging Sirius when he was a dog? *g* I think it would be rather nice if my boyfriend could turn into a dog and amuse himself so I didn't have to always entertain or talk to him when I wasn't in the mood to, or busy with something else. And hey - he could walk himself, too! :-P

On that list, the only ones who are appealing to me are Jake Perry from Sweet Home Alabama - because OMG! HOT! Methos, because I love him to bits, and he'd never age and would always be pretty to look at, although I would prefer not to be told he was once a pillager and rapist when he was one of the four horsemen. :-P And Giles, because Giles is sexy and smart and adventurous and secretly naughty.

Crowley could be fun, but the forked tongue would freak me out if he tried to snog me. Though for other things.... Hmmm... :-P

Jack Harkness would be great as a friend with benefits. Not so much for the long term.

But yeah - there IS the issue of bathing to consider. In what consists of Outlander fandom (Diana Gabaldon's novels) so many people say they would looooove to be Claire and travel back in time to the 1700s and have an awesome lover/husband like Jamie. Yes, well, they should try not bathing for a few weeks - or months - and then using lye soap. Or put a port-o-potty in their backyard - without the blue chemical stuff. And go without toilet paper. Also growing and harvesting, or hunting, killing, skinning/cleaning, and preparing (and storing!) all their food without modern cooking facilities. And the list goes on. Me, I'd maybe last a couple weeks before I starved to death. :-P

I'm not even touching the serial killers and other nasty characters on that list. Sylar? REALLY?

I like your thoughtful comment very much. Clearly, this is an important topic that deserves a lot of careful consideration.

Sirius might change into a dog at any moment, though, and I'm not sure the idea appels to me all that much... I've had large dogs drool on me and try to give me doggie kisses before, thankyouverymuch!

You must be a much better person than me, because I couldn't get past the fact with the immortals that they'll stay pretty and I won't. The envy would kill me. Crowley falls into that category, regardless of the forked tongue!

I'm not even that fastidious about cleanliness. But those filthy men who run around in heavy armour in the sun are too much too take. And Jack Sparrow - I think his syphilis is actually canon.

Also, they didn't brush their teeth. Or even have toothbrushes. Yeah...no.

Hee! You make it sound like Sirius has no control over it and any second it'll just be *poof* - he's a dog! Granted he could do that, but you could make him wear a bib and thwack him with a newspaper. BAD DOG! :-P

Oh, I don't care as much if I age - they'll be the ones who have to look at me. :-P I'm more concerned with MY view of things. (Connor stayed with Heather, after all.) I might be a bit envious, but other people would be more so. And then I'd gloat and thwap them with my cane. *g*

Hahahahaha! It totally is canon!!

Hah! I wouldn't put it past Sirius to turn into a dog with the intention of freaking me out! And then he'd drool all over me and find it hilarious :-P

I admit, it would be quite amusing in public to present a stunning immortal as your BF. But then I'll get undressed and find it totally unfair that he is prettier than me *is weak* Plus, at some point people will start to wonder why the guy still looks the same after all those years, and you'll have to get rid of him anyway. And then get a new one - oh, the hardships!

Mr Darcy. Presumably, he'd expect me to be a virgin or a whore.

Perhaps at first...but we do have evidence from the book that he is good at getting over his prejudices. :)

Okay, but he would insult my mother, and I can't have any of that.

And suddenly, there's the image of Mr Darcy making "Yo' mama" jokes...

That is a looooong list... Some interesting choices in there, definitely.

As for Sirius, I've always wondered why no fic I read at the time had him transform in the middle of sex (I'm not saying there weren't, just that I never read any)... aaaah the crazy days of fandoms lol

Mr. Darcy. Presumably, he'd expect me to be a virgin or a whore.
Then again, he seems so stuck up that his definition of a whore might not be the same as yours - it might just be someone willing to do more than just close their eyes and think of England. It's all relative.

I'm sure there must be something where Sirius transforms in the middle of sex. With Remus, I'm guessing.

IIRC Colin Firth said that he was asked to play Darcy as a man with "a most enormous sex drive". And you're absolutely right about it being all relative - which is why I fear he might consider me a scarlett woman, just because of my modern ways. Of course, I could always pretend to be a respectable widow, thus the problem of non-existant virginity could be circumvented. But I'm not sure for how long I could keep up appearances.

Hi there.
You don't know (I don't know you either)
But well, there's something I would like to ask you.
I'm a fanfiction writer. A mexican writer that is.
And I like to read fanfictions in english and in spanish.
I read your story The Last Resourt (Love Sirius/Severus) and I would like to know If you would let me translate it to spanish and upload it in a page where I write my stories. Obviously I would mention that the story is yours and that I asked for permission.
Please let me know your answer
I'll give you my e-mail
lmrc_otk@hotmail.com
By the way, love how you write.

I suck at fictional sex life

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Asking permission