donnaimmaculata | Teh Sparkly

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Teh Sparkly

Everything I know about Twilight I have learned from my flist, and I know that I will never, ever read the books. I never intended to waste any words on them, either, but I would like some confirmation that what I've now read is true:

Bella gives birth to Edmund's Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby and the following things happen in the process:

a) she pukes blood
b) the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby breaks her pelvis and her spine
c) Edmund uses his awesome sparkly marble teeth to bite the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby free from the womb

Really? I mean, seriously? Because if so, then this is the most beautiful cracky squick ever, and I am seriously impressed with SMeyer. I would have never dared to put anything like that into a novel I intend to be published and read by children.

Then again, I am not a romantic :-(

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I just watched the newest House promo and was depressed from the awfulness.

Then I read this entry and was happy from the lol.

That is all.

*mems post as anti-awful talisman*

Apologies for the incoherence. Am tired. Seriously though, thank you so much for posting this - it made me laugh very, very much and gave me this wonderful sense of gratification that I am *not* the only person who is left feeling bemused at f-list 'Twilight'-related squee. :)

I am... seriously baffled. I used to think that the Twilight wank has been the result of normal fannish hysteria and that the novels themselves are so not worth all the excitement. And so when I read the details of the birth giving scene, I thought it was a Twilight basher doing some OTT bashing. But to think that this is supposed to be the climax, as it were, of the Bella/Edmund relationship? Craaazy!

*is very, very bewildered* *and scared*

a) yes
b) yes
c) yes

Seriously.

The film makers are currently shitting themselves.

I am trying to think of it a s a huge joke on the Mommies who let their Little Darlings read it, because there was no swearing or drinking or sex before marriage...

Hah! I didn't even think of the film! Frankly, when I stumbled upon this piece of information on fandom_wank, of all places, I thought it was just wankers being sarcastic. And then, slowly, realisation dawned that this is the real Twilight canon and the conclusion of long-year high-school courting and vampire UST.

Well, thank God there was no sex before marriage. Phew!

I hope it will make it in the film. That would be so brilliant. Sparkly, even.

The first one is vaguely filmable - UST, sparkles, she's kidnapped by a naughty vampire and he rescues her.

You can see why they'd make it, to entertain the tweenagers.

Then this

"Get her breathing! I've got to get him out before – "

Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet, so loud that we both froze in shock waiting for her answering shriek. Nothing. Her legs, which had been curled up in agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way.

"Her spine," he choked in horror.

"Get it out of her!" I snarled, flinging the scalpel at him. "She won't feel anything now!"

And then I bent over her head. Her mouth looked clear, so I pressed mine to hers and blew a lungful of air into it. I felt her twitching body expand, so there was nothing blocking her throat.

Her lips tasted like blood.

I could hear her heart, thumping unevenly.Keep it going, I thought fiercely at her, blowing another gust of air into her body.You promised. Keep your heart beating.

I heard the soft, wet sound of the scalpel across her stomach. More blood dripping to the floor.

The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being shredded apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months ago, the tearing sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see Edward's face pressed against the bulge. Vampire teeth – a surefire way to cut through vampire skin.

And then he turns her into a vampire, to save her - and she has better and sparklier powers than anyone, evah!

And then the bad guy vampires turn up to destroy the baby - because baby vampires aren't allowed - and good guy vampires come from all over the world, with different special powers - and they are ready to GIVE BATTLE - and the film makers are going 'oh well, we'll just have to find a sound effect for a cracking spine and then we get to finish with a battle' - and her Great Love covers them all with a shield - and it turns out the baby isn't really a vampire and the bad guys go 'oh, my mistake' and go home....

Okay, I honestly can't tell whether it's an excerpt from the Real Thing or you being sarcastic.

Regardless, it does sound amazing.

Every word true, your honour!

It is the fandom that cannot be crack ficced - nothing can be as face-palmy as the canon!

Who's the narrator, then? And does s/he narrate the whole novel? And if so, how can s/he know the pillow-biting details of the wedding night?

Am I overthinking this? I rather think I am.

I think the werewolve who's in love with her (who then imprints on her baby, because that isn't weird) is narrating that particular passage.

But the werewolf does some chapters and Bella does the rest. I think.

Shame. I think Bella should narrate the birth scene.

SMeyer took the whole werewolves-mate-for-life scenario to a whole new level, didn't she?

It's her narrating the first three books.

Then this car-crash last one is divided into three 'books' - she narrates the first - waking up after her wedding night, covered in feathers, and he says 'I bit a few pillows' (utter bottom) - then the werewolf who has always loved her and tried to force himself on her - narrates the second part, including the birth scene, and imprinting on the new born baby - I think it goes back to Bella narrating the third part??

I haven't actually read this one.

I never knew of the existence of the werewolf until I came across the spoilers wank a few days ago. I always thought it was just Bella and Edward.

I am, however, developing a deep affection for the werewolf. He's so beautifully fucked-up - I think he and Fenrir would get on like a house on fire, up to and including their affinity for young children.

Fenrir, too, only "imprinted" himself on Remus!

The pillow-biting scene had me shriek with glee.

I'm still not sure, though, whether SMeyer really doesn't know what the term refers to (which would be, like, dude) or, um, yeah... *brain shuts down*

Damn, I needa read books #2 and 3. And # 4. For real, that is, not via fandom ;D

I... maybe a good Mormon mother of twelve wouldn't know the term - but none of her editors??

Unless they all pissed themselves laughing and left it in...

Need the pdfs??

Unless they all pissed themselves laughing and left it in...

I like that theory. *nods*

Pdf??? OMG I'll be your slave forevah!

Heh! I can actually imagine that normal people are not aware of the meaning. I know I often come across RL people whom I would expect to be familiar with, ah, relevant terminology, but then it turns out I've got to explain the bloody obvious.

Some time ago, I had to explain what "butt plugs" are - to a woman in her 20s, who studies media and knows her way around the Internet. And has a sex life, presumably. I was quite shocked, I can tell you.

ugh, I fell really, really dumb right now - please enlight me about "pillow-biting"?

pillow biter

Seeing that SMeyer has frequently claimed in interviews that 'her characters don't tell her everything', it seems that Edward has been more than secretive about some, um, things :DDD

Ahaha! I love the idea of Edward keepin his sexual orientation secret from his creator. There's a meta fic in there somewhere.

With all that sparkling going on, Edward would be the star of every gay pride parade in the world.

...

No words. Just... no words.

I know! I thought it was just wankers being sarcastic!

Perhaps SMeyer really, really didn't enjoy giving birth to her kids?

Haha, yes. If I was going to post that's pretty much what I'd say. I'm kind of baffled by all the goings-on, but it's terribly entertaining!

You know, being the reasonable person that I am, I always vaguely assumed that my information - gained via my mostly anti-Twilight flist and fandom_wank - was inaccurate and that Twilight wasn't really that bad. I mean, if your knowledge of Harry Potter derived solely from anti-HP posts and fandom_wank, you'd think that the entire HP canon and fandom were completely mental.

But in their case the madness is right there!

It's like somebody just peeled back something in this woman's mind and there's...some weird shit going on in there.

That she is sharing with the world!!!

Perhaps the births of her children were particularly traumatic?

Spending most of my life on the Internet, I am no stranger to weird shit. But this time it's coming from a very unexpected direction. It's not like she was writing about a furry fetish* - she's supposed to write a teenage fantasy romance!

*not quite the same, but close enough, I'd say

I'm reading the fourth book right now and it's honestly not worse than the other three. I'm thinking the readers were hoping the fourth book would magically get good or something.

Ellen! It's great to see you :-D

I was under the impression that many readers thought the books were actually good?

Unfortunately I bought one of her books before seeing anything on my flist about them. It's sat on my bookshelf, unread, for months now. I should just give it away because I darned well doubt I'll ever read it...

I totally missed the Twilight hype. I think I first heard of the books shortly before the release of book four, and I only learned last week that they have been released in Germany. Don't think they were a big hit here, though. I can't remember seeing them on prominent display in any bookstore.

Which is exactly why everything I know about them I know via my f-list. And fandom_wank.

I've started reading the first volume yesterday because I finally wanted to see with my own eyes whether that shit was for real.

...it is.

I remember I downloaded the PDFs some time ago, but I've no idea where I saved them to and what the file was called! Couldn't be bothered to go looking properly for them yet, since I'm not going to read them in any case. But I think I should have them, as a zeitzeugnis.

If you need them again, let me know :)

If I do, you'll know that I hit rock bottom ;-)

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Teh Sparkly

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