Teh Sparkly
Aug. 6th, 2008 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Everything I know about Twilight I have learned from my flist, and I know that I will never, ever read the books. I never intended to waste any words on them, either, but I would like some confirmation that what I've now read is true:
Bella gives birth to Edmund's Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby and the following things happen in the process:
a) she pukes blood
b) the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby breaks her pelvis and her spine
c) Edmund uses his awesome sparkly marble teeth to bite the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby free from the womb
Really? I mean, seriously? Because if so, then this is the most beautiful cracky squick ever, and I am seriously impressed with SMeyer. I would have never dared to put anything like that into a novel I intend to be published and read by children.
Then again, I am not a romantic :-(
Bella gives birth to Edmund's Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby and the following things happen in the process:
a) she pukes blood
b) the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby breaks her pelvis and her spine
c) Edmund uses his awesome sparkly marble teeth to bite the Sparkly!Vampire!Magical!WerewolfSoulmate!Baby free from the womb
Really? I mean, seriously? Because if so, then this is the most beautiful cracky squick ever, and I am seriously impressed with SMeyer. I would have never dared to put anything like that into a novel I intend to be published and read by children.
Then again, I am not a romantic :-(
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Date: 2008-08-06 02:48 pm (UTC)You can see why they'd make it, to entertain the tweenagers.
Then this And then he turns her into a vampire, to save her - and she has better and sparklier powers than anyone, evah!
And then the bad guy vampires turn up to destroy the baby - because baby vampires aren't allowed - and good guy vampires come from all over the world, with different special powers - and they are ready to GIVE BATTLE - and the film makers are going 'oh well, we'll just have to find a sound effect for a cracking spine and then we get to finish with a battle' - and her Great Love covers them all with a shield - and it turns out the baby isn't really a vampire and the bad guys go 'oh, my mistake' and go home....
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:00 pm (UTC)Regardless, it does sound amazing.
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:02 pm (UTC)It is the fandom that cannot be crack ficced - nothing can be as face-palmy as the canon!
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:05 pm (UTC)Am I overthinking this? I rather think I am.
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:09 pm (UTC)But the werewolf does some chapters and Bella does the rest. I think.
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:13 pm (UTC)SMeyer took the whole werewolves-mate-for-life scenario to a whole new level, didn't she?
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:10 pm (UTC)Then this car-crash last one is divided into three 'books' - she narrates the first - waking up after her wedding night, covered in feathers, and he says 'I bit a few pillows' (utter bottom) - then the werewolf who has always loved her and tried to force himself on her - narrates the second part, including the birth scene, and imprinting on the new born baby - I think it goes back to Bella narrating the third part??
I haven't actually read this one.
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Date: 2008-08-06 03:19 pm (UTC)I am, however, developing a deep affection for the werewolf. He's so beautifully fucked-up - I think he and Fenrir would get on like a house on fire, up to and including their affinity for young children.
Fenrir, too, only "imprinted" himself on Remus!
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Date: 2008-08-06 05:52 pm (UTC)I'm still not sure, though, whether SMeyer really doesn't know what the term refers to (which would be, like, dude) or, um, yeah... *brain shuts down*
Damn, I needa read books #2 and 3. And # 4. For real, that is, not via fandom ;D
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Date: 2008-08-06 05:57 pm (UTC)Unless they all pissed themselves laughing and left it in...
Need the pdfs??
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Date: 2008-08-06 06:52 pm (UTC)I like that theory. *nods*
Pdf??? OMG I'll be your slave forevah!
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Date: 2008-08-07 06:32 am (UTC)Some time ago, I had to explain what "butt plugs" are - to a woman in her 20s, who studies media and knows her way around the Internet. And has a sex life, presumably. I was quite shocked, I can tell you.
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Date: 2008-08-24 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-24 09:20 pm (UTC)Seeing that SMeyer has frequently claimed in interviews that 'her characters don't tell her everything', it seems that Edward has been more than secretive about some, um, things :DDD
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Date: 2008-08-25 07:32 am (UTC)With all that sparkling going on, Edward would be the star of every gay pride parade in the world.