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donnaimmaculataOkay, so I went to see Kingdom of Heaven. It made me realise one thing: Not only are all libraries connected via L-Space, no, all movies are, too. I'm sure the Reader in Invisible Writings could deduct the nature of all movies not yet made, never to be made and almost-made-but-the-budget-ran-out-and-then-the-star-topped-herself by watching the films that already exist.
It also made me think of the Trousers of Time, and how some characters seem to try to replay their fomer parts and iron out mistakes they made in the past. It doesn't always work out, though.
Anyway, to say it with the words of a friend of mine: How the fuck did they play those parts with no trace of self-irony?*
Balian: *begins the film as blacksmith with a deep cut across his palm*
Balian: Hmm... That does look familiar...
Mysterious Nobleman: Balian, I Am Your Father.
Balian: I don’t have to kill you now, do I?
Mysterious Nobleman Godfrey: No, no. I just want you to be my padawan..
Balian: What?
Godfrey: Sorry, got carried away there. I want you to show me how you handle a sword.
Balian: I practise three hours a day...
Godfrey: I once fought two days with an arrow through my testicle.
Balian: ...And before you ask, I am no eunuch!
Hospitaler: Balian, you truly are your father’s son.
Balian: I am?
Hospitaler: But you've got your mother's eyes.
Balian: I have?
Hospitaler: And your godfather’s casually elegant hairstyle.
Hospitaler: Oh, and by the way! Watch out for the thin guy with long, black greasy hair, a hooked nose and stylish black robes.
Hospitaler: He’ll swoop around menacingly and cause you a couple of problems.
Hospitaler: But don’t worry, he really is quite Noble and Honourable and only wants your best!
Long-haired Baddie: *wields pimp cane menacingly*
Long-haired Baddie: Still not king!
Tiberias: So, you’re the hero, right? How about we kill the baddie, have you marry the widow and make you king?
Balian: Thanks, but no thanks. I know what happened last time I got off with the baddie's wife.
Balian: Anyway, how, exactly, does fighting Muslims make them baddies? Isn’t that what crusades are there for?
Tiberias: Oh dear. You are so naïve! Fighting the infidel on crusades is so last century!
Tiberias: These days, we settle for Manly Bonding and Suggestive Swordfights *winks*
Balian: Why do I get the feeling that you should wear dreadlocks and eye makeup?
Balian: My valiant knights! You are going to ride out with a handful of men under the leadership of a French blacksmith against that army of highly trained natives who know the country and are used to fighting in a desert!
Army: Good plan! Good plan!
Samuel Vimes: *appears*
Samuel Vimes: Are you serious about pulling a Lord Rust here?
Balian: Be unafraid, my good man! No stomach for the battle, Johnny Klatschian. Once he tastes our steel, he’ll be off.
Samuel Vimes: *thrusts small book into Balian’s hand*
Samuel Vimes: *disappears*
Balian: A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind.
Hospitaler: Have some chocolate, it’ll help.
Tiberias: I served under a king in an iron mask before, you know.
Tiberias: Never change a winning formula, I thought. But I get the feeling that I forgot something...
John Malkovich: *appears*
John Malkovich: You should have swapped him for a dummy after he died! Moron! *disappears*
Tiberias: Duh!
Guy de Lusignan: I used to be married to a powerful Queen before, you know.
Guy de Lusignan: But my part was so unimportant that they cut me out of the film.
Guy de Lusignan: And so I swore that that shall never happen to me again!
Guy de Lusignan: I dyed my hair black and acquired a Pimp Cane(TM).
Guy de Lusignan: And now I shall be king, and I shall reign, and I shall do all manner of truly kingly things, like killing off the innocent!
Minions: *step back from range of spittle*
Tiberias: Right, guys, I’ll be off, then. Somewhere peaceful, with no religious wars. Cyprus, I think.
Balian: *knights people left and right*
Priest: Do you think that being knights makes them fight better?
Balian: *haughty look*
Balian: Yes.
Sycophantic MinionNoble Follower: Um, sir, how come you know so much about war tactics and stuff, what with being a blacksmith?
Balian: Funny you should ask that: I was given this book.
Balian: General Tacticus says, If the enemy has an impregnable stronghold, see that he stays there. And as we are the ones in the impregnable stronghold, the enemy will see that we stay there!
Sycophantic MinionNoble Follower: Good, good... Um, you can read, sir? What with being a blacksmith?
Balian: I am a knight!
Sycophantic MinionNoble Follower: And being a knight makes you a reading man?
Balian: *haughty look*
Balian: Yes.
Balian: Elton John is a knight, and he can even read notes!
Balian: *blablabla* You are all individuals!
Crowd: Yes. We are all individuals.
Balian: You are all different!
Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Random Guy I: I'm not.
Random Guy II: Shhhh.
Balian: You've all got to work it out for yourselves!
Crowd: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!
Balian: Exactly!
Crowd: Tell us more!
Balian: You’ve got the right to freedom!
Crowd: Yes. We’ve got the right to freedom!
Balian: And your freedom entails the freedom to face that larger and better armed army and die a valiant and noble death!
Crowd. Yes. And our freedom entails... Um, what was that last bit again?
Balian *thinks*: Oh dear. I better drone on and on until they stop listening and simply smile and nod.
Balian: ...And we fight for the men and women, and the infants and toddlers, and the senior citizens, and the cats and dogs and donkeys, and for everybody’s right to go and live in France!
Crowd: In France? WTF?!
Balian: Sorry, did I say 'France'? I meant 'freedom'.
Sycophantic MinionNoble Follower: Sir, may I ask why you’re no longer washing your hair?
Balian: I learned this from a guy I once knew: The greasier your hair, the larger your army!
Sibylla: *cuts off hair*
Sibylla: I Am No Man!!
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: Any ideas how to best take Jerusalem?
Guy de Lusignan: I knew a guy once, blond hair, scruffy beard, really big horn... My wife used to freak him out a treat... Anyway, he used to go on about a wooden horse that you man with your finest warriors and wait for the besieged folk to drag into the city, where they - that is to say, your warriors - sneak out at the dead of night, kill the guards and open the gates for the besiegers.
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: *blink*
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: But if you want some equine action, I’ll be happy to oblige.
Guy de Lusignan: *is stripped down to his unmentionables and paraded around on a donkey*
Corporal Beti: Not Valerie!
*battle ensues and many people die, but luckily not the really important ones*
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: I know I’ve always appeared your enemy and some of your friends died because of me, but really, I’m Noble and Honourable and prove it by letting you lose without a fight.
Balian: Cool! Losing without a fight is what impresses these medieval folk a treat!
Mysterious Nobleman II: I am Richard, King of the Britons...
Knave: There, there, sire, let’s just ride on, easy does it.
Mysterious Nobleman II: Thank you, Patsy.
Ex-Queen Sibylla: *is reduced to living in a blacksmith’s hut with no walls*
Village Folk: How long till she too commits suicide, y’reckon?
*My theory is that Orlando Bloom signed the contract convinced that he was signing Pirates of the Caribbean II. He only read the first page of the script...
Orlando: blablabla... blacksmith... hand wound... blablabla.. wife dead? Oh no! Keira's not coming back :-(
Orlando: Look, guys, I know the setting is none of my business, but is it supposed to snow in the Caribbean?
Production Department: Um, well... it's the rain season!
Orlando: O-kay...
Production Department: Right, let us finish here quick and move to Morocco asap, before he catches up.
Orlando: Where's Johnny, anyway?
Producer: Um, he... was busy shooting... something else. But look, we got you Jeremy! You like Jeremy, don't you?
Jeremy: *winks lasciviously*
It also made me think of the Trousers of Time, and how some characters seem to try to replay their fomer parts and iron out mistakes they made in the past. It doesn't always work out, though.
Anyway, to say it with the words of a friend of mine: How the fuck did they play those parts with no trace of self-irony?*
Balian: *begins the film as blacksmith with a deep cut across his palm*
Balian: Hmm... That does look familiar...
Mysterious Nobleman: Balian, I Am Your Father.
Balian: I don’t have to kill you now, do I?
Balian: What?
Godfrey: Sorry, got carried away there. I want you to show me how you handle a sword.
Balian: I practise three hours a day...
Godfrey: I once fought two days with an arrow through my testicle.
Balian: ...And before you ask, I am no eunuch!
Hospitaler: Balian, you truly are your father’s son.
Balian: I am?
Hospitaler: But you've got your mother's eyes.
Balian: I have?
Hospitaler: And your godfather’s casually elegant hairstyle.
Hospitaler: Oh, and by the way! Watch out for the thin guy with long, black greasy hair, a hooked nose and stylish black robes.
Hospitaler: He’ll swoop around menacingly and cause you a couple of problems.
Hospitaler: But don’t worry, he really is quite Noble and Honourable and only wants your best!
Long-haired Baddie: *wields pimp cane menacingly*
Long-haired Baddie: Still not king!
Tiberias: So, you’re the hero, right? How about we kill the baddie, have you marry the widow and make you king?
Balian: Thanks, but no thanks. I know what happened last time I got off with the baddie's wife.
Balian: Anyway, how, exactly, does fighting Muslims make them baddies? Isn’t that what crusades are there for?
Tiberias: Oh dear. You are so naïve! Fighting the infidel on crusades is so last century!
Tiberias: These days, we settle for Manly Bonding and Suggestive Swordfights *winks*
Balian: Why do I get the feeling that you should wear dreadlocks and eye makeup?
Balian: My valiant knights! You are going to ride out with a handful of men under the leadership of a French blacksmith against that army of highly trained natives who know the country and are used to fighting in a desert!
Army: Good plan! Good plan!
Samuel Vimes: *appears*
Samuel Vimes: Are you serious about pulling a Lord Rust here?
Balian: Be unafraid, my good man! No stomach for the battle, Johnny Klatschian. Once he tastes our steel, he’ll be off.
Samuel Vimes: *thrusts small book into Balian’s hand*
Samuel Vimes: *disappears*
Balian: A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind.
Hospitaler: Have some chocolate, it’ll help.
Tiberias: I served under a king in an iron mask before, you know.
Tiberias: Never change a winning formula, I thought. But I get the feeling that I forgot something...
John Malkovich: *appears*
John Malkovich: You should have swapped him for a dummy after he died! Moron! *disappears*
Tiberias: Duh!
Guy de Lusignan: I used to be married to a powerful Queen before, you know.
Guy de Lusignan: But my part was so unimportant that they cut me out of the film.
Guy de Lusignan: And so I swore that that shall never happen to me again!
Guy de Lusignan: I dyed my hair black and acquired a Pimp Cane(TM).
Guy de Lusignan: And now I shall be king, and I shall reign, and I shall do all manner of truly kingly things, like killing off the innocent!
Minions: *step back from range of spittle*
Tiberias: Right, guys, I’ll be off, then. Somewhere peaceful, with no religious wars. Cyprus, I think.
Balian: *knights people left and right*
Priest: Do you think that being knights makes them fight better?
Balian: *haughty look*
Balian: Yes.
Balian: Funny you should ask that: I was given this book.
Balian: General Tacticus says, If the enemy has an impregnable stronghold, see that he stays there. And as we are the ones in the impregnable stronghold, the enemy will see that we stay there!
Balian: I am a knight!
Balian: *haughty look*
Balian: Yes.
Balian: Elton John is a knight, and he can even read notes!
Balian: *blablabla* You are all individuals!
Crowd: Yes. We are all individuals.
Balian: You are all different!
Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Random Guy I: I'm not.
Random Guy II: Shhhh.
Balian: You've all got to work it out for yourselves!
Crowd: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!
Balian: Exactly!
Crowd: Tell us more!
Balian: You’ve got the right to freedom!
Crowd: Yes. We’ve got the right to freedom!
Balian: And your freedom entails the freedom to face that larger and better armed army and die a valiant and noble death!
Crowd. Yes. And our freedom entails... Um, what was that last bit again?
Balian *thinks*: Oh dear. I better drone on and on until they stop listening and simply smile and nod.
Balian: ...And we fight for the men and women, and the infants and toddlers, and the senior citizens, and the cats and dogs and donkeys, and for everybody’s right to go and live in France!
Crowd: In France? WTF?!
Balian: Sorry, did I say 'France'? I meant 'freedom'.
Balian: I learned this from a guy I once knew: The greasier your hair, the larger your army!
Sibylla: *cuts off hair*
Sibylla: I Am No Man!!
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: Any ideas how to best take Jerusalem?
Guy de Lusignan: I knew a guy once, blond hair, scruffy beard, really big horn... My wife used to freak him out a treat... Anyway, he used to go on about a wooden horse that you man with your finest warriors and wait for the besieged folk to drag into the city, where they - that is to say, your warriors - sneak out at the dead of night, kill the guards and open the gates for the besiegers.
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: *blink*
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: But if you want some equine action, I’ll be happy to oblige.
Guy de Lusignan: *is stripped down to his unmentionables and paraded around on a donkey*
Corporal Beti: Not Valerie!
*battle ensues and many people die, but luckily not the really important ones*
Thin Guy with Long, Black Greasy Hair, a Hooked Nose, and Stylish Black Robes: I know I’ve always appeared your enemy and some of your friends died because of me, but really, I’m Noble and Honourable and prove it by letting you lose without a fight.
Balian: Cool! Losing without a fight is what impresses these medieval folk a treat!
Mysterious Nobleman II: I am Richard, King of the Britons...
Knave: There, there, sire, let’s just ride on, easy does it.
Mysterious Nobleman II: Thank you, Patsy.
Ex-Queen Sibylla: *is reduced to living in a blacksmith’s hut with no walls*
Village Folk: How long till she too commits suicide, y’reckon?
~*~
*My theory is that Orlando Bloom signed the contract convinced that he was signing Pirates of the Caribbean II. He only read the first page of the script...
Orlando: blablabla... blacksmith... hand wound... blablabla.. wife dead? Oh no! Keira's not coming back :-(
Orlando: Look, guys, I know the setting is none of my business, but is it supposed to snow in the Caribbean?
Production Department: Um, well... it's the rain season!
Orlando: O-kay...
Production Department: Right, let us finish here quick and move to Morocco asap, before he catches up.
Orlando: Where's Johnny, anyway?
Producer: Um, he... was busy shooting... something else. But look, we got you Jeremy! You like Jeremy, don't you?
Jeremy: *winks lasciviously*
