Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings

Dear fanfic writers,

Do you ever stumble across a piece of writing in your draft folder that you had completely forgotten and that amuses you when you discover it after all those years? I saw the other day that, back in 2006, I had written a Slobodan Milosevic*/Harry Potter crossover:

"Whatever happened to Slobodan Milosevic? Mystery crack

Milosevic is dead and on his way to larger-than-life martyrdom. There's nothing like being a criminal - alleged or convicted - and dying under mysterious circumstances to become a martyr. Rumour will have it that he's been poisoned by corrupt Dutch authorities. According to my latest information (radio, half an hour ago), his death was caused by anti-leprosy and anti-tuberculosis drugs which counteracted the effects of his heart medication. However, considering all facts, I can't help but see some parallels and notice some evidence that points firmly into a different direction. South-Eastern Europe? Connection to Kosovo-Albanians? A mother's untimely death? High-security prison? Where have I read all this before?

Let's have a look at this letter exchange:

July 1995

Dear Master-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

Contrary to all the rumours that might reach you, I have not resigned my strategic position by the side of H. P. because of the threats uttered against me by the escaped convict Black. I have resigned it, because rumours of much more worrying matter has finally made it to Hogwarts: apparently, the region in which you are currently residing is under attack. A maniac who thinks himself fit to challenge the Greatest Wizard of All Times (yourself, Master) is on the war path and attempts to destroy all and everything around him. Including yourself.

I know of course that such rumours are greatly exaggerated, but I have nevertheless decided that I would be of more use at your side than skulking around the Weasley boy's bed. I have therefore set off and am on my way.

Sincerely,

P. Pettigrew

PS. I'm not sending this letter by owl but by wren, as in your present condition an owl might accidentally eat you.



a gust 1995

to: fithfl sssservnt in spe, baartmussss cruoch

havnig hard of ur latst misfortunessss, i hve deciedd to grant u the graet honor of freeng u frmo teh unwrthy cnditoin u hav ben ssssufffring undr. 4 furthr detials rfer to my obdinte sssrvant p.pttetigrw

ur master (exsss & in sssspe)

Lrd vald e mart

ps. plz x-cuse spell.work, hloding qill wehn disssmbodeid fuking hard. LOL!!!11



November 1995

Dear Barty,

I have received the order to inform you that your father is cracking under the strain put upon him by our beloved Master. He spends his evening hours sitting in what I have come to understand was your mother's favourite chair and reliving the story of your escape from Azkaban over and over again. Did you know your mother got the idea of impersonating you from an old school friend from Durmstrang? Apparently, that Mrs. Miloshevich (sp?) faked her own death by hanging, and spent the last 30 years alternately impersonating her son and whispering advice in his ear. It was she who infused him with such hatred against our Master. He has now sent out troops which roam the South-Easter-European forests and kill everything and everyone who looks "foreign" to them. How that Squib could have learned about our Master's whereabouts remains a mystery to me. But at least his trail is now cold. Mua ha ha!

Anyway, we decided it's for the best if your father took it easy from now on and are keeping him locked up in the basement.

Your friend and well-wisher,

Pete"

*Serbian dictator and war criminal responsible for the Bosnian genocide during the Balkan war

I also drafted an idea for an obscure crossover challenge where I brought Emma Woodhouse and Eminem together. (Unsurprisingly, Eminem was introduced to Emma by Mr Frank Churchill. Mr Knightley was not pleased):

( Snippet )

So, do you have any weird ficlets lying around that will never see the light of day? Do share!

Ever since I started playing in the Hornblower fandom, I've been trying to acquire some factual information about the Age of Sail, because I know nothing about seafaring whatsoever, nevermind the Royal Navy in the 18th century. I can just about tell where a ship ends and the sea begins; and seeing as I want to add some details to potential fics rather than have them shag in a fictional vacuum, I try to at least check what the uniforms looked like so that they can be taken off in a convincing manner.

I am distracted by all those crotches*. I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on here?


I mean, I'm not a stranger to crotches. I've seen Pride and Prejudice:

I must admit, I've always found this scene very disturbing.

Canonically, Hornblower has this gem to offer:

Look at his crotch and tell me that's not a wet spot right there! (Bear in mind that Horatio has just come from Archie's room, where Archie is being all bedridden and vulnerable.)

ETA: I forgot him. How could I have forgotten him?


*I'm currently writing fic. In order to get it right, I did a quick google image search for "French uniforms". It brought that painting to my attention, and so I spent 15 minutes taking caps and uploading pictures to illustrate my point. At this rate, I will never finish anything, ever!

Look, soawen, look! Whilst reorganising my tags, I made it back into 2004 and found this: Snape and Hagrid breed zombies in the dungeon. I LOLed.

All these people who invented myths were really just writing crack!fic, weren't they?

Raccoon Dogs and Their Magically Expanding Scrotums (with pictures)

Raccoon dogs are known in Japanese folklore to have the magical ability to expand their scrotums.

lovehotel, you should have mentioned that!

Do any of you read weepingcock? If not, you totally should. It's highly educational. Today, for example, I learned that a) there is a Rammstein fandom (which shouldn't have surprised me, and yet it did) and b) that, apparently, it's filled with fluffy fics in which the Rammstein guys cry a lot.

What is the world coming to?

It's Rammstein. They sing about eating people out of jealousy and about men raping their daughters and about getting off on whipping "white flesh" into bloody shreds. They sing about sick pervy stuff. They should be awarded with sick pervy fics with lots and lots of fetishes and bloodplay and suchlike.

I am shocked.

It's a bit late, because the horse-fuck wank has entertained the whole of LJ land for days and is dying down now, but I have only just come across the perfect comment on it. And it's never too late to throw in a bit of Pratchett.

You've got to sing this in a thin, shaky voice, preferably whilst dancing on a table with a mug of beer in your hand:

Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have this to say as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have a ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

( Click here for the rest )

My icon has never been so appropriate.

Last night, I dreamt I was writing a Fanny Hill pastiche of Harry Potter, using John Cleland's style and setting and only changing the names and the characters' sex, if necessary. I had the plot all ready: Harry Potter is Fanny Hill and he leaves the Dursleys for the big city. Once in the brothel of Hogwarts, he experiences his sexual initiation with Cedric Diggory, ( who takes up Phoebe's part )

Cedric, the perv, is not satisfied with getting Harry off and makes him - not wank him off, because I'm quoting verbatim from the original text and Phoebe has nothing to be wanked - but fist him. ( Kinky! )

Later, Fanny!Harry (which would be an excellent nickname for a feminised Harry sporting a man-vagina) is almost raped by Snape. ( Thusly: )

But then, after a series of voyeuristic sessions, during which Fanny!Harry learns to appreciate the beauty of a male body, the noble and beautiful Bill Weasley comes to fetch him, and ( and Fanny!Harry is finally deflowered: )

That's it. This is where the dream ended. I am too lazy to write the whole thing, but the excerpts give a pretty good impression of what the final product would look like. Oh, and it's not porn, BTW. It's erotica.

I've been browsing Greek mythology on the search for neat, meaningful names that can be used in fics. This one amused me exceedingly:

Alectryon: A Greek youth who Ares posted as a guardian by the door when he visited Aphrodite. Alectryon fell asleep during the night so that their lovemaking was discovered by Helios. As punishment, the boy was turned into a cock*.

*is twelve years old*

*"which since then never stops to announce the arrival of the sun", but we can disregard that.

Okay, so I went to see Kingdom of Heaven. It made me realise one thing: Not only are all libraries connected via L-Space, no, all movies are, too. I'm sure the Reader in Invisible Writings could deduct the nature of all movies not yet made, never to be made and almost-made-but-the-budget-ran-out-and-then-the-star-topped-herself by watching the films that already exist.

It also made me think of the Trousers of Time, and how some characters seem to try to replay their fomer parts and iron out mistakes they made in the past. It doesn't always work out, though.

Anyway, to say it with the words of a friend of mine: How the fuck did they play those parts with no trace of self-irony?*

( By Jingo! )

I've been having a Horrible Time* lately and could do with some entertainment. And because you** brim over with creativity and humour, I've got a request to make: Write me something funny. I could do with a good laugh. Write me a crack!drabble (Shrek x-over: Animagus!Minerva/Puss-in-Boots!), in defence of a crack pairing (Bill/Dudley!), share some humorous*** anecdote from your eventful RL or tell me a seriously silly joke. I laugh at everything, I promise. I'm easy like that.


*The Horrible Time is nothing to worry about. I'm doing all right, on the whole, I'm not depressed or fed up with things or anything. But Things have been happening on which I have no influence and which affect my life in a negative way. The Things are of external nature, mind, and they will be done with at some point. It's frustrating and enraging at the moment, and I don't really want to talk about it. I'll explain when it's all over. So don't worry about me and entertain me instead, 'kay?

**This is not exclusive for my friendslist. Passers-by are encouraged to share teh funny, too.

***or frivolous****

****Rosina...