Comm & challenge pimp

slashmeetsplot sounds just like my kind of community: dedicated to fics featuring slash, plot, canon consistency and realistic characterisation. This alone makes me very happy. But the joy doesn't stop here: the first challenge is Remus Lupin Missing Moments, and I really hope that some of you wonderful writers hurry over and write some nice, juicy plot and even more juicy sex for Remus. He needs it. And so do I. Please?

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I don't like epithets, as I'm sure I already mentioned a couple of times. But yesterday I came across one that made me laugh (and hit the back button, too, but laugh first of all): "his godfather's best friend". Apart from the fact that it was Harry's father and not Remus who was his godfather's best friend - how much more complicated can you get? His head of house's barmy superior? The red-haired headboy's younger brother? His aunt's meaty husband's dog-breeding sister?

I understand that one can use any of those epithets when actually talking about the interactions between the people mentioned in them, but not if they are used because the author wants to avoid using the name. Have no fear of names! Names aren't evil.

The Real OotP Sue

Poor Tonks carries the stigma. Poor Ginny has been accused of it. But neither of them is the real OotP Mary Sue. No, the Sue has cunningly disguised itself and has assumed a truly unexpected appearance - but isn't this the marking of a real Sue?

I've just realised: The OotP Mary Sue is none other than Grawp. Have a look at the MS litmus test:

Long-lost relative of a major canon character? - Check.
Is the same gender as the author? - Who knows? Hagrid says Grawp's a boy, but did he actually check?
Belongs to a rare species on the brink of extinction? - Check.
Unusual name? - Check.
Superhuman and unique powers? - Check.
Unusual hair/eyes/physical appearance? - Check.
Comes from an exotic far-away country? - Check.
Has random hobbies that are undeniably convenient to the plot? - Check [i.e. pulling out trees and hitting people with them]
Appears out of nowhere to save our heros from mortal danger? - Check.
Sacrifices himself so that our heros can escape? - Check.
Do school rules not seem to apply to him? - Check. [Or any rules, for that matter.]
Spends an absurd amount of time depressed/brooding/sulking/being generally miserable about a situation beyond his control? - Check.
Meets the main characters and, after a few tense pages of plot, become friends with them? - Sort of.
Is muggle-born a giant, or doesn't know he is [related to] a wizard until he gets his letter is kidnapped? - Check.
Gets his school supplies with Hagrid? Hee!
Calls Hermione "Hermy"? - Check. [This, in fact, is what tipped me off in the first place.]

Well done, JKR. Pink-haired, sassy Tonks was just the red herring. It's Grawp who'll save the day.

ETA: Apparently, I haven't been getting comment notifications. If I haven't replied to any of yours, it's not because I'm ignoring you.