Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings

Having now watched the first seven and a half episodes of the second Torchwood season, I have come to the conclusion that there really should be a Torchwood/House crossover.

TeamTorchwood: "So, here's a very ill person whose eyes have turned all gooey and whose toes have exploded. What could that be?"

TeamHouse: "No worries*. It's probably lupus. Put them on steroids and full-range antibiotics."

And then they spend the rest of the episode searching a) for the alien threat that caused it and b) for a cure to actually save the one or other life occasionally. House would fit in into the Torchwood team seamlessly, as he can sulk and throw teenager-y hissy fits with the best of them. And he is very interested in the eternal question of who shags who, too.

And in spin-off terms, while Ashes to Ashes is the very embarrassing and cringe-worthy Mary-Sue fic with a heroine who deems herself oh so pretty and clever and shagworthy in the eyes of the hero, Torchwood is the crackfic that knows no shame.

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*That's Chase speaking, obviously.

Poor Tonks carries the stigma. Poor Ginny has been accused of it. But neither of them is the real OotP Mary Sue. No, the Sue has cunningly disguised itself and has assumed a truly unexpected appearance - but isn't this the marking of a real Sue?

I've just realised: The OotP Mary Sue is none other than Grawp. Have a look at the MS litmus test:

Long-lost relative of a major canon character? - Check.
Is the same gender as the author? - Who knows? Hagrid says Grawp's a boy, but did he actually check?
Belongs to a rare species on the brink of extinction? - Check.
Unusual name? - Check.
Superhuman and unique powers? - Check.
Unusual hair/eyes/physical appearance? - Check.
Comes from an exotic far-away country? - Check.
Has random hobbies that are undeniably convenient to the plot? - Check [i.e. pulling out trees and hitting people with them]
Appears out of nowhere to save our heros from mortal danger? - Check.
Sacrifices himself so that our heros can escape? - Check.
Do school rules not seem to apply to him? - Check. [Or any rules, for that matter.]
Spends an absurd amount of time depressed/brooding/sulking/being generally miserable about a situation beyond his control? - Check.
Meets the main characters and, after a few tense pages of plot, become friends with them? - Sort of.
Is muggle-born a giant, or doesn't know he is [related to] a wizard until he gets his letter is kidnapped? - Check.
Gets his school supplies with Hagrid? Hee!
Calls Hermione "Hermy"? - Check. [This, in fact, is what tipped me off in the first place.]

Well done, JKR. Pink-haired, sassy Tonks was just the red herring. It's Grawp who'll save the day.

ETA: Apparently, I haven't been getting comment notifications. If I haven't replied to any of yours, it's not because I'm ignoring you.

Well the characters are revolting... and pretty darn mad too. They have had it and are challenging you to justify yourself. The only real requirement is that you, as an author, and a character of one of your fics have a confrontation. No length restrictions or time frames. Frankly, I just want to know what the hell you were thinking. Please link to your original piece for reference and pimping, The Treacle Tart said. And yes, so I did:

Wherein Snape and Lupin pop by and cause Donna to turn into Donna-Sue

My second (and last) Squickfest submission is up, and it's Mary Sue/Ron's feet.

No graphic sex this time, nor too much graphic foot action, but it's got Mary Sue in all her glory, including name, hair, past, powers, and... a Dark Secret. Extra bonus: author's notes in the text and pop song lyrics.

And Ron's feet.

Come on, you know you want to.