My Very Own Snape - courtesy of laurelwood

[donnaimmaculata]

Right. First I'll have some fun with My Very Own Snape, then I'll answer my emails and comments, and then I'll do some work... Oops, it'll be lunch time by then. Shame.



1. Physique
a. emaciated

2. The Reason for His Greasiness
b. potions fumes
plus
e) naturally greasy hair

3. His Bits
b. not important [that is, of course are his bits important, that's what we're here for, but: I really have no concept of Snape's bits; I probably should give them some more thought...]

4. His Sexual History
d. a lifelong habit of visiting prostitutes desperate grudge fucks, but nothing meaningful

5. His Sexual Prowess
d) knows his technique, but is clueless about the emotional add-ons

6. His Private Quarters
d. millions and millions of books, plus functional furnishings

7. His Bedsheets
c. white cotton with a high threadcount, worn to an amazing softness

8. His Lamentable Past
a. abused by parents
b. abused by Voldemort
c. abused by Lucius
d. abused by Albus
e. abused by the Ministry
f. abused by self
g. abused by all the above (emotionally rather than physically, unless it's a h/c fic)

9. What Color is His Parachute After the War?
a. keeps on teachin' potions
f. shags Sirius [What do you mean "dead"? Isn't Snape a Death Eater?]

10. His Drink of Choice
b. whatever's handy; lots of it

11. His Leisure Pursuits
f. uses all his leisure time to stalk miscreants in the hallways, or else drinks till he passes out over a pile of 4th year essays
g. shags Sirius

12. His Out-on-the-Town Clothes; Supple Leather Boots and:
a. an unassuming pair of black trousers and a nice, but nondescript black sweater
or
d. something Edwardian-looking with lots and lots and lots of buttons
or
f. some ill-assoreted collection of Muggle clothes, think a black-clad Arthur Weasley
depends what sort of outing it is

13. His Undergarments
b. those medieval twisty things
or maybe
c. y-fronts, if he feels adventurous

14. Optional Features
a. multilingual (Mermish and Latin)
e. excellent adequate, but reluctant dancer
f. good singing voice, but he'd shag Mad-Eye Moody rather than admitting it

Comments

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

Aw, customizable!Snape! Sweet!

But, Sirius? What about Lupin? He needs some grudge fucking love.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

OK, how about this one for Sirius (my choices are bolded):

1. Physique:
a. six-pack abs, broad shoulders, and the arse of a god originally, but
b. thin by nature
c. emaciated and
d. tattood
e. scarred after Azkaban

2. His Accessories
a. long hair by choice
b. long hair as sign of depressions
d. leather collar
e. eyeliner
e. I. plus glitter shirt
e. II. topless
f. leather trousers

3. His Bits
a. huge and powerful - it's SexGod!Sirius, baby
b. average
c. small - the motorbike's serves as compensation
d. no longer functioning after Azkaban

4. His Sexual History
a. virgin
b. former Hogwarts whore
c. Remus/Sirius 4EVAH!!!11
d. rapes everything within reach (Snape, Peter, Harry, Remus, Kreacher...)
e. Azkaban prisoner? Hello? Raped by
e. I. Dementors
e. II. Aurors
f. going wild pre-Azkaban, reduced to grudge-fucks post-Azkaban
g. Blackcest all the way, baby!

5. His Sexual Prowess
a. completely inexperienced
b. formerly very experienced, but lost all memories of it in Azkaban
c. an amazing sex god, then and now

6. His Private Quarters
a. a hippogriff and empty wine bottles
b. books, school memorabilia, a photo of the Potters and empty wine bottles
c. a naked werewolf and empty wine bottles

7. His Bedsheets
a. black silk/satin with the Black crest
b. green silk/satin with the Black crest
c. red silk/satin with the Gryffindor crest
d. white cotton
e. flannel

8. His Lamentable Past
a. abused by parents
b. abused by Bellatrix
c. abused by Lucius
d. abused by Albus
e. abused by the Ministry
f. abused by self

9. What Color is His Parachute After the War?
a. is dead and stays dead
b. is brought back to life but is insane
c. is brought back to life as Padfoot
d. is brought back to life with no memories and lives as a Muggle
e. is brought back to life and shags Snape (grudge-fuck)

10. His Drink of Choice
a. firewhisky
b. whatever's handy
c. wine connoisseur
d. beer
e. Granny Aching's "Special Sheep Liniment"
f. something altogether different

11. His Leisure Pursuits
a. drinking
b. sulking
c. reading
d. shagging (Remus, Snape etc.)
e. discussing the most painful ways of bringing down Voldemort
f. transforming
g. hunting for rats
g. I. and feeding them to Buckbeak
g. II. imagining each to have Peter's face

12. His Out-on-the-Town Clothes; Supple Leather Boots and:
a. prison gear
b. posh robes from the Black wardrobe (unjinxed)
c. Muggle jeans (tight) and glitter shirt
d. leather
e. Padfoot
f. he never gets to leave the house, silly!

13. His Undergarments
a. black or red silk boxers
b. boxer briefs
c. y-fronts
d. commando

14. Optional Features
a. multilingual (studied to impress chicks)
b. duelling master
c. avid reader of Muggle literature
c. I. classic
c. II. pulp
d. plays an instrument
e. excellent dancer
f. used/trained to be an Auror (pre-Azkaban)
g. Irish heritage
h. part-magical creature (Veela, vampire, fairy)
i. dead

Wanna do the one for Remus?

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

Eee! I love the customizable!Sirius! I dunno how good this is, but here's my customizable!Remus. Choices in bold.

1. Physique:
a. slender, underfed build
b. sinewy, toned build
c. emaciated
d. tattood
e. multiple scars on torso and limbs
f. multiple scars all over body, including face

2. His Accessories
a. short, light brown hair shot with gray
b. long, light brown hair shot with gray
c. shabby robes
d. shabby jumpers and trousers
e. leather chaps
f. handcuffs
g. lines of pain on face

3. His Bits
a. huge and powerful - he's a wereWOLF for a reason
b. average
c. small - and he knows it, poor guy
d. no longer functioning due to the Wolfsbane Potion

4. His Sexual History
a. virgin
b. former male prostitute - werewolf's gotta eat, and we're talking protein here
c. Remus/Sirius 4EVAH!!!11
d. pedophile - Run, Harry, run!
e. smooth talkin' ladies man
f. occasional relationship, rarely meaningful, never lasts long
g. he's clearly dating Tonks
h. gay as a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide

5. His Sexual Prowess
a. completely inexperienced
b. he gets off by
c. experienced and gentle lover
d. rowr, werewolf he might be, he's a tiger in the sack

6. His Private Quarters
a. naked students tied to his bedposts
b. books, painstakingly well-kept memorabilia, and a photo of the Marauders
c. where Sirius's naked body once lay, there is a depression in the mattress
d. empty Firewhisky bottles litter the place

7. His Bedsheets
a. Sirius's old sheets
b. silk/satin sheets he lifted from the Black household
c. carefully pressed and threadbare linen
d. white cotton
e. flannel

8. His Lamentable Past
a. abused by parents
b. abused by Sirius
c. abused by Snape
d. abused by Albus
e. abused by other werewolves
f. abused by self
g. unable to get or keep decent work

9. What Color is His Parachute After the War?
a. he dies and joins Sirius in the afterlife - they live happily ever after
b. he runs off and marries Tonks
c. is severely injured, but nursed back to good health
d. he betrays everyone and is killed by harry when he transforms into a werewolf and attempts to kill people one fine full moon
e. he lives and moves in with harry to keep each other company
f. he and harry become lovers
g. he and snape become lovers

10. His Drink of Choice
a. firewhisky
b. anything wet and close-by
c. wine connoisseur
d. beer
e. vodka
f. coffee
g. tea

11. His Leisure Pursuits
a. drinking
b. moping
c. reading
d. shagging (Sirius, Snape etc.)
e. researching and discussing magical theory
f. contemplating existentiality
g. eating chocolate

12. His Out-on-the-Town Clothes; Shabby Jumper and:
a. worn trousers
b. Sirius's old clothes
c. a neat Muggle suit
d. leather
e. London Fog trenchcoat
f. his birthday suit (he was raised in a nudist colony)

13. His Undergarments
a. blue silk boxers
b. faded, worn boxers
c. y-fronts
d. commando

14. Optional Features
a. multilingual (He can speak Latin, Greek, Chinese - all the classics)
b. duelling master
c. avid reader of literature
c. I. classic
c. II. Muggle
d. plays an instrument
e. excellent dancer
f. his N.E.W.T.s could have gotten him into the Mnistry as an Unspeakable, but they didn't hire werewolves
g. Irish heritage
h. French heritage
i. alcoholic

That was too fun.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Aw, I love this *hugs Remus* He's lovely. This really is good fun. I might be doing it for Harry, too.

[cherusha.livejournal.com]

shags Sirius

But of course!


[What do you mean "dead"? Isn't Snape a Death Eater?]

Hee! Suddenly it all becomes clear!


excellent adequate, but relucant dancer

Yes, but what kind of dancer is he? I hear he's got killer breakdance moves.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Suddenly it all becomes clear

Well, yes. Snape simply needs to execute some kick-ass death-eating skillz to bring back Sirius. Possibly with some dark rituals, involving lots of sex and blood.

killer breakdance moves

Now, there's an idea. I'm pretty sure this is something Snape wants to keep secret at all costs, though.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

uses all his leisure time to stalk miscreants in the hallways, or else drinks till he passes out over a pile of 4th year essays

*sporfle*

Yes, I'm sure he loves chasing the poor kids.

Also, abused by Bellatrix? More on this?

Swatkat

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Chasing students is the greatest joy of his otherwise quite miserable existence.

abused by Bellatrix

EvilSexmonster!Bellatrix made her younger cousin her bitch. I'm sure there is a fic out there, even though I haven't read it (because my Bellatrix lusts after Remus like just about anybody else in my universe).

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

EvilSexmonster!Bellatrix made her younger cousin her bitch.

I've read some good Sirius/Bellatrix, but I haven't read this one, either. *g*

because my Bellatrix lusts after Remus like just about anybody else in my universe

Dude, there just isn't enough Remus/Bellatrix out there. Or Remus/Andromeda. Or Remus/Narcissa. Do you see a pattern there?

Swatkat

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Off the top of my head, I can think of three Remus/Bellatrix fics (by copperbadge, ellensmithee and myself), none of which is pretty. I think Ellen also wrote Remus/Narcissa - for a pervy_werewolf challenge an in Chaucerian couplets. Can't think of a Remus/Andromeda one, though.