You Gotta Have Faith

[donnaimmaculata]

So, I went online, looking for religion-related sites. And then I found this:

"Fundies Say the Darndest Things!"

including:

"Sorry, but as a hearty Christian, I care a whole lot about where you're putting your genitals. I just want so badly for you to put your penis inside of a virginal vagina."

"I have a question. What if I masturbated to the mental imagery of someone being converted to christianity. There would be nothing sexual involved in the thoughts that would be taking place. It might take me longer to finish but yeah, what if that was the case?"

"Just wait till the United States becomes a CHRISTIAN nation again. We will get rid of public schools, put kids back in church schools the way it was at thye beggining of our nation. Abortion, Homosexuality,new-age mumbo jumbo, False Religions such as Mormons, Jehovahs witnesses, Catholics, Jews, Kawanza, Halloween, Satanic Music, will be all abolished when this nation once again becomes a Christian nation as it was intended."

"But God don't talk in Arabic. He talks in a REAL language, namely, English. It's true that back in them days He translated that to some other language after Speaking it in English, but after all, it's His universe and He can do what He doggone well wants to do."

"A person who sold a slave did not make God sick like watching two men do it." - Strangely, according to the Bible, this is probably true.

"I'm tired of hearing all of this debate of homosexuality. Why is it even debateable? These people are abominations in the eyes of the Lord; they could change their ways but choose not to. There's no arguement, that's just how it is. We should burn the gays at the stake, it worked in the Inquisition...I don't see any witches around anymore (real witches, not those hippy wiccan imitation witches)."

"I honestly don't care about your rights. If it were up to me, all Atheists would be burnt at the stake and or cast into a river with weights tied to their ankles and or placed before the firing squad, etc etc etc."

"Female circumcision is not barbaric. It is done for a reason, to keep the female pure. If only we adopted such practices here in the UK, then maybe women would be less inclined toward infidelity and therefore family values would still be an integral part of society."

"Don't ever compare heterosexual incest to homosexuality! Homosexuality is much worse because it involves two people with the same genitalia! At least incest can be traditional, and involve a man and a woman--a brother and a sister, Just like the children of Adam & Eve! So wonderful and pure of heart! God bless. "

"God's definition of "flat" is wholly different from ours. The world is flat in His eyes, but spherical in ours. This is simply because our eyes are tainted with sin and doubt."

I do like this one a lot:

"I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty."

The above train of thought is explained thusly:

"WHEN THE TOPIC IS GOD.. I DON'T GO ON THE LOGICAL THING.. "

More fundies' pearls of wisdom [Or, as Eddie Izzard puts it: "There's pearls of wisdom and there's pearls of... nutcaseness."]

And an extra tip for a happy marriage:

"Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it."

http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/happyhubby.html

And to throw in Terry Pratchett, as well: "Auditors were fascinated by religion, because so much that was done in its name didn't make any sense at all. Genocide, for example." (paraphrased)

ETA: The LEGO Bible. This is seriously funny: http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Especially the sex stuff:

Check out the sheep!

And the Greatest Sin of All

Apparently, someone had dropped Teh Gay Bomb on Sodom & Gomorrha

Comments

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

*brain dribbles out of ears*

The bigotry and stuff is sort of expected, because it's their opinion, but this is very special...

"God's definition of "flat" is wholly different from ours. The world is flat in His eyes, but spherical in ours. This is simply because our eyes are tainted with sin and doubt."

And I seem to be a dreadful hypocrit, because Hasten for intercourse when your wife feels compulsion for it doesn't seem nearly as bad....

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Isn't it just? A beautifully well-rounded metaphysical argument.

To be honest, I don't think a good wife ever "feels compulsion for it". Even if she's happy to oblige her husband.

There's also a related site with tips for husbands, including advice regarding "intercourse". Also, a good husband should "Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands."

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

Indeed, irony itself is a gay invention, a coping mechanism for gay people who recognize that they don’t really fit in with normal society.

Irony is a gay invention????????

Oh, I feel compulsion for it, all the time - he can't keep up!

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Bless 'em. It's a good invention.

Incidentally, did you read about Teh Gay Bomb? ("And they're missing a huge opportunity there. Because we all know that one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Battalion Transvestite Brigade?" E.I.)

Then you are probably some sort of Jezebel and should be beaten with a pointy stick. Or exorcised.

[shocolate.livejournal.com]

The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another

God Bless America!

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

My theory is that they (will have) tested Teh Gay Bomb on Capt. Jack Harkness and his squad. (Remember the anecdote he was telling in "Boomtown"? Something about them all running away and "being naked"?) It's true!

Link to Teh Gay Bomb is courtesey from aubrem, BTW, whom I really should credit properly.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

I like how they believe gay = sex-crazed maniacs. They probably think all gay men do is shagshagshag, all the time. (Well, the gay man in my icon does...)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I love the whole idea of definitions being different God, because of what it does to language. For instance, "good" is often said to be differently understood for God, which is why I couldn't, for instance, look at anything that God does (like letting people go to hell forever) and say it's bad, because "good" is different for God, just as "flat" is. As if the word "good" exists independently instead of being something that humans made up to describe a different thing. Instead it can sort of mean "good" without conforming to anything that is good.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Well, it all boils down to faith being the foundation of all argument, not logic or established, earthly definitions. "Good" or "flat" meaning something different for God than for humans derives from the same train of thought as "the Bible is true, because God say so in the Bible". - It doesn't matter whether it makes any sense or not - as long as it can be explained with "but it's God... and we're not supposed to understand it anyway." (Quite apart from the fact that, from some people's point of view, sending sinners to hell forever is a good thing to do, anyway.)

[florahart]

The fundies site, I saw somewhere the other day and nearly died of looking at it, partly due to like, threatening abdominal hemorrhage from laughing to death, and partly due to how my brain shrunk 5% for every statement read and partly because dude, I have relatives who ...might not see anything wrong with a number of these statements.

But yes, tainted round eyes is just ...WHAT? I was trying the other day to explain to my kid about people who believe God made the earth 4000 years ago, with fossils already present, and he was like, "you're making my brain explode." Maybe I should tell him about these folks. Heh.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

They make you laugh, they make you cry - sometimes both at the same time.

See, but your son is infiltrated with those filthy public school ideas. You probably don't beat him properly, either.

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

The irony of irony is that these folks don't realise they are sitting on a COMEDY GOLDMINE! BWAHAAAAAAA! I think adultswim could make a fortune off them!

Some folks just don't know when to stop talking until they walked down their own throats.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

So in a way, we should be grateful, because weird shit that funny's got to come straight from the heart. You can't make that up!

But. The fun stops when they use this to justify violence against children and women, because of "the Bible". Seriously, as long as they're only posting on the Internet, that's fine. But if they live it at home, that's scary.

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

Frankly, I'd deal with them exactly the way Jesus did: hoist 'em with their own petards. Most of this crap is a lip service, since they're busy screwing their 12 yr old cousins and swilling moonshine. The saddest part of all is that they've totally forgotten the whole focus of their own religion: love.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

This is sadly so true. As amusing as I find these quotes (especially if taken out of context), the attitude behind them is scary. And sites like www.jesus-is-lord.com and www.jesus-is-savior.com make me froth at the mouth. Especially the sections about "family" and how to treat wives and children, because these people live that attitude at home!

I'm currently reading the Bible, and this is exactly how the God from the Old Testament did make them (who is a sociopathic megalomaniac madman in his own right).

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

For something truly bizarre: It's possible they [the Tribes of Israel] ate dinosaurs, but not necessitated by the simple fact that they were allowed to, which I'm not even certain if they would have been due to the rules about what they could and couldn't eat. All I need to know is that I don't have to worry about what kind of animal I eat.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

I don't think they were allowed to eat dinosaurs. Because, according to the laws stated in Leviticus, "These also shall be unclean to you among the creeping things that creep on the earth: the mole, the mouse, and the large lizard after its kind; the gecko, the monitor lizard, the sand reptile, the sand lizard, and the chameleon." - So, dinosaurs are a kind of large lizards, ergo they're unclean, an Abomination unto Nuggan the Lord - ergo they couldn't be eaten!

See? It's not that difficult to adopt that kind of logic.

[fourth_rose]

*scrubs brain*

It's one of these "it would be funny if it weren't for the fact that these people are real" things, isn't it?

Although I must admit that I'm quite amused by the un-Christian Catholics thing. As an ex-Catholic, I always thought it was just us who thought the pope was the next best thing to the Antichrist ;)

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

It totally is. It's funny as long as it remains abstract. Sadly, they base their whole lives on these beliefs.

I like the fact that "Catholics" are listed side by side with "satanic music" and "new age mumbo-jumbo" and, first and foremost, "abortions" in one of the quotes above.

[rosina-alcona.livejournal.com]

These people think about sex, sex and nothing but sex. This is what's so funny about these types of websites. If you go to an Athiest website or message board, you'd be hard pressed to find anything much about the topic!

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

They do, don't they? Not surprisingly so, perhaps, seeing as Rules on Sex are Very Important for God, too.

I like this bit of advice:

"[On preventing homosexuality in young boys]

[T]he boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger. [emphasis added]"

Could come straight from a Draco/Lucius fic.

[rosina-alcona.livejournal.com]

oh yes, showering together and talking about penises. straight out of pornish_pixies!

Because of course, all homosexuality consists of is acting like a woman and shagging anything that strays across your path...

[soawen.livejournal.com]

Boy likes to do these things with his Dad + (Boy has a penis + Dad has a penis) =/= Boy learns to associate cock with goodness

...I'm not seeing the logic here.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

I think it's meant to show the boy that having "parts" is all right, without actually having to talk about such things. (And I guess they're supposed to stop showering together as soon as the boy's penis becomes bigger than his dad's.)

[soawen.livejournal.com]

"But, dad, I'm 27 now!"

"But not 27 cm. Now get in the tub and bend over!"

...I'm still not good at fundie logic, am I? ;)

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Sounds pretty much like fundie logic to me!

There's a Harry/Sirius fic which deals with this topic beautifully. Harry wants reassurance that it's okay to have a penis and that his penis is normal-looking. And than there's Sirius... - Really, I think I should point it out to the person who supplied that quote.

[soawen.livejournal.com]

Not being naked with your kid makes him want to be a dog sodomist(ee?)!

I wonder if this works with girls too. Mom not being naked with daughters => daughters taking a liking to horses?

BTW, I like the quote on what is flat in God's eyes. Theoretically, if God defines 'flat' as one dimension less than what he sees and he sees in four dimensions... It has possibilities, also for discussing how non-human creatures could sense/see the world.

PS.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

I was meaning to go back to your text message, but, um... *trails off*

Anyway: If/when you are in my area, do let me know. It'd be great if we managed to meet up for drinks & partying, now that we've covered the "talking about willies" bit :-)

Re: PS.

[rosina-alcona.livejournal.com]

yes, I'll drop you a text when I'm there. Not sure what the plans are for the hen night but involves beer I imagine!